• John McCain Saves Economy, Beats Barack Obama in Tonight's Debate

    Hurray! The economy must be fixed and we must all be rich millionaires, because John McCain is going to debate tonight!

    Senator McCain has spent the morning talking to members of the Administration, members of the Senate, and members of the House. He is optimistic that there has been significant progress toward a bipartisan agreement now that there is a framework for all parties to be represented in negotiations, including Representative Blunt as a designated negotiator for House Republicans.

    The McCain campaign is resuming all activities and the Senator will travel to the debate this afternoon. Following the debate, he will return to Washington to ensure that all voices and interests are represented in the final agreement, especially those of taxpayers and homeowners.

    Thank God we got that taken care of, huh? And all due to John McCain's superhuman powers of sitting in a room with a bunch of bickering assholes.

    And not only that, but get a load of this.

    After awesomely healing the nation's money woes with his awesomeness, he flew up into the sky and circled the Earth really fast a whole bunch of times until he literally sped up the planet's orbit — thereby making time go forward somehow — so that he could debate Barack Obama already.

    And wouldn't you know it, but he won the debate that's scheduled for later on tonight…

    "McCain Wins Debate!" declares the ad which features a headshot of a smiling McCain with an American flag background. Another ad spotted by our eagle-eyed observer featured a quote from McCain campaign manager Rick Davis declaring: "McCain won the debate — hands down."

    Don't believe it? Just check out this ad his campaign already made in the future…

    See that? You don't smile victoriously in front of a Photoshopped flag like that unless you know you're the shit.

    Tags: Debates, Economy, House of Representatives, John McCain, Senate


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