How the Third Party Candidates Can Still Pull It Off

Remember that time on Lost when everyone became consumed and distracted by Jack vs. Locke, and then all of a sudden Sawyer had all the guns and got to be in charge for, like, a day?

Well, what's to stop the same thing from happening in the presidential election? I mean, other than logic, history and common sense.

Because the fact of the matter is, the third party contenders may be down, but they are not yet out. Circumstances remain that could put one of them in the White House.

Circumstances like…

The Green Party's Cynthia McKinney
An abundance of absent-minded voters arrive to the polls remembering only that they want either "the black one" or "McSomething."

The Constitution Party's Chuck Baldwin
Every registered voter in the country gets pretty bad diarrhea on election day. Except Chuck Baldwin's mom.

Libertarian Bob Barr
An arcane Supreme Court ruling is discovered that awards 400 electoral votes to the candidate with the bossest 'stache.

Independent Ralph Nader
Americans suddenly decide to vote for the candidate they most want to hang out in a bar and abolish the Taft-Hartley act with.

Independent Alan Keyes
Days before the election, voters fed up with the ineffective two-party system look for something new and better. The message of Alan Keyes campaign begins resonating across the country, bringing people of all stripes together in an unprecedented moment of unity. Because Alan Keyes built a robot that hypnotized everyone.