It DO Mean a Thing!: Swing State Profiles – Indiana

As we push toward November 4, it's time to focus on our nation's Swing States (i.e. the ones who will pick a president for the rest of us based on whoever's negative ad they saw last.) So tough toodles, Texas. Nous sommes désolés, Massachusetts. Let's investigate a state that matters for a change…

Indiana's Key Players

* Former Vice President Dan Quayle: While Hillary Clinton and Geraldine Ferraro broke the women's glass ceiling for Sarah Palin, Quayle broke the equally important one for unqualified idiots.

* Rocker John Mellencamp, who has suspended his normal pro-Democratic campaigning in order to strum some classic tunes at John Edwards' child support hearing.

* Senator Evan Bayh: When it comes to the vice presidency, he's been bypassed more times than Dick's Cheney's heart.

Obama's Constituency

* Faculty at Purdue and Notre Dame who outed themselves as radical Marxists by becoming professors.

* Crossover Republicans profiled in a New York Times article that won the Pulitzer Prize for Imaginary Journalism.

* Gary.

McCain's Constituency

* People who willingly choose to identify as "Hoosiers."

* Indianans who proudly fly the Confederate flag despite the fact that their state is in the North and fought for the Union in the Civil War.

* Folks who prefer their basketball players lanky, clad in knee-high socks, and snow white.

Predicted Winner: McCain
Indiana is considered emblematic of America, as it incorporates the worst of its surrounding states: The economic hardship of Michigan, the crime of urban Illinois, the intellectual vacuum of Ohio, and the moonshine-swilling backwardness of Kentucky. Therefore, it has no choice but to vote for the Pro-America ticket.

Check out more Swing State Profiles here!

Tags: Barack Obama, Indiana, It DO Mean a Thing, John McCain