On Monday night, I jumped on a train after work and got down to Philadelphia as fast as I could, just so that I could be in my home city when the Phillies delivered to us something that no other Philadelphia team could for the past 25 years.
Of course, Weather — being the complete asshole that it is — had to go and fuck it all up for me and cause the first rained out, freezing cold final World Series game in history. So, I came back to New York by myself, and the Phillies won last night. Without me. And the entire city went crazy. Without me.
Now, you might just think this was a stroke of bad luck, But I know otherwise. I know for a fact that this was an act of retribution upon me by Weather. You see, Monday night happened to be the eve of the release of my brand new non-fiction humor book Man vs. Weather: Be Your Own Weatherman, in which I reveal Weather's insidious agenda to destroy, undermine and inconvenience all of mankind. (Yes, it's a humor book and a science book. What of it?)
A coincidence? I think not.
So, why do I bring this up on a political blog? (Well, why besides me being a shameless opportunist?) I'll tell you why: If you think that Weather is only interested in ruining baseball games for incredibly important authors like me, you are sadly mistaken.
Weather hates America!
It hates America more than arch-terrorists like Osama bin Laden, William Ayers and Barack Obama combined. Oh, it hates us so much! Why? I'll tell you why…
Because it hates all of humanity, and Americans are the ultimate form of humanity. Some time around 2.5 billion years ago, when our eldest ancestors were still single-celled cyanobacteria, Weather looked at them and saw that they would eventually evolve into Americans. And it did everything within its power — from scorching droughts to planetary glaciers — to destroy them, but none of it worked. Because they had the seeds of that American "can do" spirit. And that made Weather hate them all the more.
You need proof that Weather hates America? Look no further than its strategic use of hurricanes. Consider Hurricane Katrina: Sure, it caused the deaths of 1,700 people, billions of dollars in damages and the decimation of New Orleans. That's all very bad. But who was the real victim of Katrina? President Bush. His approval rating dropped to 40 percent, and he was forced to go down to Louisiana and even talk to some black people. And that led the way for the Democrats taking control of Congress the following year and making it slightly more difficult for Bush gut the Constitution and our Fourth Amendment rights.
If that's not proof of Weather's anti-American sentiments, I don't know what is.
And how about Hurricane Gustav earlier this year? You didn't see that swirling mass of low-pressure storm systems making landfall in late August and delaying the Democratic National Convention and Flag-Burning Rally, did you? Oh no. Weather waited a full week and forced John McCain to delay the Republican National Convention by a full day and guilted the conservative delegates and rodeo impresarios into paying lip service to poor people on national television.
Where do the horrors end?
Now, listen: We have an extremely important election — maybe the most important election since the Earth was formed 4.5 billion years ago — coming up in less than a week. And there's a better chance of Osama bin Laden failing to release a video statement in the eleventh hour than there is of Weather sitting this one out. Come Election Day — whether you're an American voter or an anti-American voter — Weather is gonna be throwing a lot of tricks your way, trying to trip you up, keep you from voting, and die.
Did you know that for every inch of regular run-of-the-mill water that rains down, voter participation typically drops by just under one percent? Or that for every inch of regular run-of-the-mill frogs that rain down, voter typically participation drops by 100 percent? (Except, interestingly enough, amongst Evangelical Christians, for whom it typically rises by 250 percent.) And that's just water and amphibians. That's not even taking into account hurricanes, cyclones, typhoons and tropical cyclones. Or any of the other deadly means that Weather has to keep you at home and away from democracy.
So, are we to assume that all is lost? That this great nation will fold under the low-pressure of Weather?
Not at all! Because, between now and Election Day, I'm going to use my meteorological expertise to secure you against Weather's douchebaggery. And keep you safe. And keep you American. (When it comes to dirty bombs and roving gangs of young activists, you're on your own. Sorry.)
Here's your first excruciatingly important tip: Buy an umbrella.
Tags: Election Day, George W. Bush, John McCain, Louisiana, Osama bin Laden, Pennsylvania, RNC, Terrorism, Weather