As we push toward November 4, it's time to focus on our nation's Swing States (i.e. the ones who will pick a president for the rest of us based on whoever's negative ad they saw last.) So tough toodles, Texas. Nous sommes désolés, Massachusetts. Let's investigate a state that matters for a change…
Minnesota's Key Players
* Former Vice President Walter "Fritz" Mondale: Has challenged McCain to a dodder-off.
* Former Governor Jesse "The Body" Ventura: No longer the local powerhouse he once was, Ventura nevertheless holds great sway with "brown-skinned" voters in Mexico.
* Governor Tim Pawlenty, who was about to be the Republican vice presidential nominee until McCain realized he had never won a beauty pageant.
* People who think Garrison Keillor is an erudite, charming entertainer.
* Supporters of Senate candidate Al "Stuart Smalley" Franken: The cross-continental journey of Obama's father is a vivid metaphor for their own candidate's carpetbagging.
* People who think Garrison Keillor is an insufferable shit.
* Mall of America Mall Stars.
* Leftover stragglers from Ron Paul's RonStock '08.
Predicted Winner: Obama
Although McCain had high hopes for capturing this routinely-blue state, he killed his chances with vocal support for the Iraq War, along with his insistence that Minnesota be sold to China to finance a new troop surge.
Check out more Swing State Profiles here!
Tags: Barack Obama, It DO Mean a Thing, John McCain, Minnesota