For too many years, America has been choked by its tired, imperialist six-party system. The only thing differentiating John McCain (Republican), Barack Obama (Democratic), Bob Barr (Libertarian), Cynthia McKinney (Green), Chuck Baldwin (Constitution) and Ralph Nader (Peace & Freedom) is their preferred sexual position with corporate lobbyists and defense contractors.
So let's meet the real candidates for change, running as anywhere from 7th-party to 16th-party candidates on a ballot near you. (This is especially true if you live in Colorado, where all sixteen are on the ballot.)
Candidate Platform Alan Keyes Firmly committed to losing miserably to Barack Obama– any time, any place, any office. Jonathan Allen Taking over for Dick Cheney, who was the Heartquake '00-'07 candidate. Thomas Robert Stevens Dedicated to the economic philosophies of Ayn Rand, which means re-installing Alan Greenspan as Federal Reserve chairman and commissioning a new national anthem penned by Rush. Charles Jay Essentially the Libertarian platform, with a key added goal of throwing John Kerry into a harbor. Gene C. Amondson Revisiting the policies of the 1920s, because if we're going to have a second depression, we ought to get it right. (Note that the platform doesn't seem to be working, given that the campaign's only MySpace friend is Tom.) Róger Calero (or James Harris) Ending the capitalistic hegemony of the two parties dominating American government; restore power to the people. Brian Moore Retake Washington from the evil triumvirate of Republicans, Democrats and the Socialist Workers Party; restore power to the people. Gloria La Riva Destroy the corrupt, neo-fascist tyranny of the Socialist Workers Party and the Socialist USA Party; restore power to the people.
Tags: Alan Keyes, Barack Obama, Bob Barr, Chuck Baldwin, Cynthia McKinney, John McCain, Ralph Nader