Are you gearing up for a looooong Election Night? Got the toothpicks ready to hold your eyelids open and the ol' faithful meth lab cranking?
Well, you might have to face the fact that the evening might not go the way you're planning. This election might get all kinds of…called at a decent hour.
Are you prepared for that? What will you do with yourself? What do you need to start putting your life back together again after 16 months of intense obsessive obsesso-intensity?
Here, let us help you get started:
* Take a shower.
* Shave the beard you promised you'd grow until your candidate was elected. If your candidate wasn't elected, shave it anyway. You look foolish.
* Go grocery shopping. Make sure to sock up on plenty of superfoods and whole grains.
* Drink a glass of wine for heart health.
* Drink three more glasses of wine to kill the brain cells responsible for holding onto names like "Megyn Kelly" and "Tucker Bounds".
* Catch up on The Wire, Lost, 24, Battlestar Gallactica, Big Love, 30 Rock, Dexter, The Office, House, Entourage, Six Feet Under, The Venture Brothers and Weeds.
* Finish that screenplay about the enterprising young blog reader caught up in national intrigue.
* Put your losing candidate election gear in your irony box.
* Tuck your kids into bed. Call your secret wife and tell her to tuck your secret kids into bed too.
* Celebrate democracy by dipping into your illegal Fourth of July fireworks stash and blowing shit up.
* Don't get complacent. The battle for Pierce County clerk between kindergarten teacher Liddy Smeagol and entrenched incumbent Betty Hornel is still too close to call. Isn't time to restore good handwriting to Tacoma once and for all? GOTV! GOTV!