• Chuck Norris: But I Heard Him Exclaim/As He Drove Out of Sight/Merry Christmas to All/Barack Obama is an Oddly-Tanned Marxist

    As an amateur political operative, Chuck Norris is experiencing the grief associated with losing a hard-fought presidential campaign for the first time. First comes denial. Then comes anger. Then comes writing a poem that sort of follows the meter of 'Twas the Night Before Christmas about how your opponent and his multi-ethnic goons are going to sweep down and take all of your money away in a hay wagon. Then depression. Then acceptance.

    When all of a sudden/There arose such a noise/I peered out of my window/ Saw Obama and his boys.

    Aww yeeeeahhh! Obamaz Boyz are ready to roll up in the White Hizzouse, son! I nizzominate Ludacris for Sezzecretary of Hip-Hop. And Lil' Wayne for Dazzeputy Uzzunder Sezzecretary of the Interior.

    Bitches!

    They had come for my wallet./ They wanted my pay/ To give to the others,/ Who had not worked a day!

    It is widely known that for every million Americans lazing around under the hood of a car every morning or sleeping all day just to stroll in to the office at 9pm for the "night shift," there are two or three Americans out there busting their humps almost twice a year pretending to kick people in the face on film. Under an Obama administration, all television and movie violence will be outsourced to Muslims, who fight without honor.

    Fun Fact: did you know that Chuck's 1998 TV movie Logan's War: Bound by Honor was actually shot in a day.

    He snatched up my money /And quick as a wink /Jumped back on his bandwagon/ As I gagged from the political stink.

    Take it from me, Chuck. You haven't truly experienced political stink until you've walked in on James Carville and Mary Matalin doing a reverse 71 in Bill Bennett's sauna.

    There are some stinks that can't be roundhouse kicked out of the mind.

    Update (9:48 a.m.): Russ points out that Chuck only cops to receiving this poem in an e-mail, not writing it which, of course, reminds me of my all-time favorite Chuck Norris fact:

    Chuck Norris doesn't actually write poetry. He gets poetry in his inbox. And does martial arts. And hurts people.

    Oh, and this one:

    If you get kicked by Chuck Norris, well… darn.


    Tags: Barack Obama, Chuck Norris

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