• Congratulations on Your First-Ever Recession, Eurozone!

    Confirmed: The eurozone has entered its first recession since 1999, when a scrappy gang of nations banded together to ensure prosperity and stability for all time.

    Ha! Like your sissy monetary policy is any match for the 900-pound poop-flinging econopocalypse America has unleashed…

    The eurozone is now officially in recession, mainly due to a slump in Germany, Europe's biggest economy, and Italy, while France has narrowly escaped the same fate.

    The economy of the 15 countries using the euro shrank by 0.2% between July and September compared with the previous quarter, according to figures from the European Union's statistics office, Eurostat, following a 0.2% contraction in the second quarter.

    Good thing the G20 summit takes place this weekend. Leaders from the world's biggest economies are getting together in Washington so they can take bold, decisive action that will overhaul regulations and stabilize the markets, and everything will be okay, and we won't wind up living in shantytowns, and…

    "Having some broad restructuring at this point would kind of be like in the middle of a five-alarm fire calling together the fire chiefs and trying to restructure the fire department," said Steven Schrage, a former economic advisor in the Bush administration and now an analyst at the Center for Strategic and International Studies.

    "And you could also do more harm than good," he said.

    Okay, fine. It doesn't have to be Bretton Woods 2: Economic Boogaloo, but surely this meeting of minds can make some progress, right? Right?

    "Nothing is going to come out of the G20," said Marc Chandler, a foreign exchange analyst with Brown Brothers Harriman.

    Well, then.

    I'm sure the Europeans will have very tastefully-decorated shanties.

    Tags: Economy, Europe, G-20


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