In Which Barack Obama Asks George W. Bush to Ask Congress for the Rest of the Bailout Funds

Early this morning — for all I know, it was 3 a.m. — the phone rang in the White House, rousing our soon-to-be-former commander-in-chief from his dreams of brush-clearing…

Barack Obama: Good morning, Mr. President.

George W. Bush: You again? [covering the receiver] No, Laura, it's not Pappy. Go back to sleep.

BO: Look, sir, I know I'm not technically president yet-

GWB: Heh heh! That's right, you're not. Eight more days! Eight more days!

BO: Thing is, we need to do more to stabilize the economy, and I can't tell Congress what to do. Not yet. I can "urge" them to "consider" various courses of action at one of my twelve daily press conferences, but I can't make them listen, know what I mean?

GWB: You got your Chicago guy there. Knife-throwin' fella. Missin' a finger. Crazy fella. I call him Stumpy. Let him take care of 'em.

BO: Sir, my policy is no drama, and that's not how this works, anyway. So, if you wouldn't mind, could you please tell Congress to release the second tranche of bailout funds as soon as possible?

GWB: Tranche? That some kinda Frenchy thing?

BO: It's economist-speak for "chunk of securities bundled in the same transaction." You remember, sir. The $700 billion bailout had two tranches. We've put the first half in the troubled asset relief program already, and I'm going to need the rest the minute I get into office. I just need you to ask Congress to release it.

GWB: Oh. Okay, sure. What the hell.

BO: And listen, I'm telling them that along with the release of funds, we need to change the way the TARP is being handled. There needs to be more oversight, more accountability. We've given all these funds to the financial institutions, but people are still struggling to stay in their homes, so we-

GWB: Heh heh heh. What's this 'we' shit, kemosabe?

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