• Happy President's Day/Valentine's Day/Friday the 13th

    A couple days ago, a co-worker told me that she didn't think that I could write a blog post that simultaneously celebrated President's Day (Monday), Valentine's Day (tomorrow) and Friday the 13th (today) while also offending 100 percent of the blog's readership. I told her to go fuck herself. Then I told her I'd take on her challenge.

    I think this could probably be classified as some sort of slasher fiction…

    A Monumental Encounter

    Big Abe ran his coarse, log-splitting fingers along the smooth fabric of the mattress. "You say this baby normally goes for twice the amount on the sticker?" he asked the powder-wigged salesman.

    "I cannot tell a lie," Georgie responded, running his tongue delicately along his wooden teeth. "Yes, it does."

    "I like a man who takes pride in his honesty," Abe said. "Do you mind if take this mattress for a test drive? Just to see how well it holds up after four score seven winks?" He lay back on the soft downy cushion of the bed.

    "I don't think sleeping is what a big, thick-jawed man like you would have to worry," Georgie whispered. "But maybe I could give you a hand."

    Abe looked up with a sparkle in his eye. "Oh, to see how it presents itself in a situation which pits brother against brother."


    Big Abe took Georgie hand and pulled him closer. Georgie grabbed hold of Abe's stove top hat and pulled, while erecting his own monument. But then, just as Big Abe was about to knock down Georgie's cherry tree, a shot split the quiet of the room. And Georgie found himself covered in the gore of what a moment ago had been Big Abe's head.

    He looked up above the headboard and shrieked. There stood a man dirty overalls and a hockey mask.

    A voice came sussurating from behind the mask, "Sic semper tyrannis."

    Georgie ran screaming from the room and outside into the night, crossing the Delaware and looking for a place to hide from the evil thing which had just presented itself. As fast as he ran, he could hear its breathing keeping pace behind him.

    And then he tripped. He looked up and with horrified eyes he saw…

    To never be continued…

    I am not proud of myself.

    Tags: Abraham Lincoln, George Washington, President's Day, Valentine's Day


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