Now that the universities are closing down and their students are being set loose upon the nation's beach town, please don't forget that our nation's capitol, Washington D.C. — scenically located along the eastern banks of the Potomac River — which kind of makes it a beach town. A kind of swampy-ish beach town, but a beach town none the less. So, in a way, it's the perfect Spring Break destination. Cabo San Lucas ain't got nothing on D.C. as far as crazy party antics go. For example…
Bill Clinton gets some from Monica Lewinsky
Don't even front like you've never been there. You know how it goes. If it's late enough at night and no one else is around, you sometimes find yourself going a little further with friends and co-workers than you thought you would. It happens, dude. It happens! You just gotta move on with your life and hope that the other person doesn't go blabbing to her friends.
And that none of her friends will go secretly recording the details of what happened between you and her and then hand the tapes off to some guy who's been trying to get you fired for years. Cause that could totally ruin your week. Not to mention get you impeached by the U.S. House of Representatives.
And nothing busts up a Spring Break drinking binge like a federal impeachment.
D.C. Mayor Marion Barry totally gets busted smoking up
We've all got that friend, don't we? You know, the guy who's willing to pull out his gear anywhere, confident in the belief that he can pull out his crack cocaine and blaze up in front of anybody without getting caught. Whether it's on the beach, in a boardwalk pizza shop or in a hotel room in front of FBI informants and hidden cameras.
Don't they just drive you nuts?
Rep. Preston Brooks pulls the ol' metal cane to the head prank on Sen. Charles Sumner
Isn't it great you when you see a killjoy totally get what's coming to him? Like when Massachusetts senator Charles Sumner got totally punked by South Carolina representative Preston Brooks.
It seems that that dork Sumner was talking smack on President Franklin Pierce, Sen. Andrew Butler and all the other southern politicians who were all about owning other human beings. So, Brooks took a step back and concocted a brilliant and hilarious plan to teach that stuffed shirt a lesson.
While Sumner was working at his desk in the senate chamber, Brooks snuck up behind him and proceeded to beat him senseless with his metal-tipped walking cane. In your face, Sumner!
Richard Nixon names Elvis Presley a federal drug agent
Spring Break is notorious for inspiring some incredibly not very good ideas. But naming the nation's biggest drug freak as a federal agent at large in the Bureau of Narcotics and Dangerous Drugs is definitely not one of them.
Maybe it's the seven shots of tequila and handful of oxycontin talking, but Richard Nixon and Elvis Presley's insane drug-alcohol-and-pomposity-fueled pact from Rockabilly Hell is maybe the best idea ever!
Believe me. It makes sense in Spring Break logic.
The Brits stay up all night trashing the city while the President's away
One thing's for sure. It's definitely not Spring Break until the place you're partying in gets smashed, burnt or otherwise utterly destroyed. And that's exactly what happened when a bunch of British soldiers, visiting our nation's capitol, stayed up late one night in 1814 while President James Madison was out of town.
If you've ever seen any documentaries about the Rolling Stones or Led Zeppelin, then you know how hard English dudes can party when they're on tour. Apparently, by the time the King's soldiers' were through painting D.C. red and sun finally came up, pretty much all the public buildings in the city — including the White House (take that authority!) and the Library of Congress (take that learning!) were demolished, smoldering heaps of demolishedness.
Only thing that could possibly be more destructive would be a tornado wrapped up in a hurricane. And that's exactly what hit the city the very next day. Awesome!
Tags: Bill Clinton, Charles Sumner, Drugs, House of Representatives, Marion Barry, Monica Lewinsky, Preston Brooks, Richard Nixon, Senate, United Kingdom, Washington DC