• Obama: Shape-Shifters Not Responsible For Recession

    During his primte-time press conference last night, President Obama made something very clear. Werewolves are not responsible for the current economic crisis:

    "It took many years and many failures to lead us here. And it will take many months and many different solutions to lead us out. There are no quick fixes, and there are no silver bullets."

    He also made it clear that if the economy improves, you can thank him. If it continues to tank, he told you so.

    The President's third nationally televised address also illuminated the following:

    President Obama is boring, on purpose. His sedated metronomic cadence is brilliant political subterfuge, lulling a hysterical nation to sleep. It's like being read a sleepy-time story by Professor Snores-a-lot!

    He made pains to point out he inherited a huge deficit, and, according to his budget, will return the favor. Unless things go really, really well.

    Something else: President Obama uses a huge teleprompter, which induces squeals from Blogistan. He uses a teleprompter because he was bred by Cylons.

    The President also made it clear he wouldn't answer any questions about Secretary of Moneybags Timothy Geithner's plan to buy up increasingly scatological-sounding "toxic assets." He didn't answer any questions, because the star struck second-stringers he called upon didn't ask him. They asked him whether he's anti-homeless kid, then a FOXbot talked about Red China, and then some pasty dude from CNN, which is just pot-smoking FOX, asked him why cartoon steam didn't come out of his Presidential ears when he heard that greedy AIG executives were behaving greedy like executives. There was more talking after that, but no one was watching.

    To recap: chill out, America. Trouble sleeping? Here's last night's transcript.

    Tags: Banks, Barack Obama, Economy


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