Why is my tax money going toward government organizations shooting death rays from outer space at aging pop musicians? This is like the Carter administration all over again.
FSB sources are reporting to President Medvedev today that American pop icon Michael Jackson was "most assuredly" assassinated by the US Central Intelligence Agency (CIA) after an examination of data transmitted by a Russian Military's Kosmos 2450 satellite show "conclusively" that immediately prior to the music stars death in Los Angeles an electromagnetic pulse consistent in pattern to EMR weapons looted from the former Soviet Union by the United States was employed at the "exact coordinates" of the rock stars home.
Hmmm… That seems slightly implausible. But I'm going to give these unnamed Russian sources the benefit of the doubt, because I've never been burnt by unnamed Russian sources before.
Obviously, the CIA has, like, a million billion reasons to use top secret stolen Soviet satellite weapons technology to assassinate the guy who sang "Smooth Criminal." The only real problem is narrowing them down to one…
[T]he reason behind the CIA needing to assassinate Michael Jackson, these reports continue, was an out of court settlement the pop icon signed with son of the king of Bahrain, Sheikh Abdullah bin Hamad al-Khalifa, this past November in London, and which stated, in part, that in exchange for millions of dollars previously lent to Mr. Jackson by the Sheikh, Mr. Jackson would allow his sold-out United Kingdom concerts to be a "platform" for warning the World of a soon to occur mass genocide event.
Both Michael Jackson and Sheikh Abdullah bin Hamad al-Khalifa have been long standing supporters of the fearless Austrian investigative journalist, Jane Burgermeister, who is warning the world that the greatest crime in the history of humanity is underway…
A soon to occur mass genocide event? The greatest crime in the history of humanity? I've really gotta get some lunch, but, eh… What the hell! I'll keep reading…
"In her charges, Burgermeister presents evidence of acts of bioterrorism that is in violation of U.S. law by a group operating within the U.S. under the direction of international bankers who control the Federal Reserve, as well as WHO, UN and NATO.
"This bioterrorism is for the purpose of carrying out a mass genocide against the U.S. population by use of a genetically engineered flu pandemic virus with the intent of causing death. This group has annexed high government offices in the U.S."
There's a lot more to this huge international conspiracy, but I can't really go into it now.
Because I just got shot by a death ray from outer space and now I'm dead. Sorry.
Tags: CIA, Michael Jackson, Russia, WMDs