So Indecision asked me to write a list of women who have had infamous sexual relationships with political figures.
“Oh, like political mistresses?" I asked.
“No. More like Secret Girlfriends,” they replied.
“Secret Girlfriends? What? Why would you call them that?”
“Oh, no reason.”
#7 – William Rufus King
Senator from Alabama, Vice President under Franklin Pierce, and according to some, President James Buchanan’s lover. “Where’s my proof,” you ask? To which I reply, “Proof? Really? This is the internet.” In any event, Buchanan was our nation’s only bachelor President and he did live with King for quite some time. Need more? Well, apparently Andrew Jackson used to refer to King as “Miss Nancy.” So there’s that. Although I must confess that even in the 1800’s “Miss Nancy” seems like a pretty weak slam on a guy you’re trying to paint as gay. Is that really the best Old Hickory could do? More like “Old Dickory,” amirite? See what I mean?
# 6 – Monica Lewinsky
No list of secret girlfriends would be complete without Monica Lewinsky, but as someone who was cognizant of political humor in the 90s I don’t know what I can say about it now. Every cigar-inserting, dress-staining, fat-girls-give-good-oral joke has already been made a hundred times. I just don’t want to go there. And it’s not just because there’s a chance I might bump into Monica at synagogue. It’s because I lost my virginity to her. Yesterday. What? Don’t look at me!
#5 – Callista Bisek
You might not recognize her name, but Ms. Bisek is the woman House Speaker Gingrich was showing his little newt to while simultaneously leading the charge against President Clinton for the Lewinsky scandal. And don’t get your hopes up that Bisek was some double agent hoping to expose Gingrich’s family values hypocrisy. Bisek actually married him. But that might just be because "Mrs. Gingrich" has a nicer ring to it than "Newt-Fucker."
#4 – Rielle Hunter
Say what you want about John Edwards, but he sure had sex with another woman while his wife was battling cancer. And that woman was Rielle Hunter. You might know her as the woman John Edwards said he didn’t have sex with. Others of you might recall her as the woman he later admitted to having sex with. I’m still not sure whether or not her baby is his. Did we get confirmation on that? In any event, I do know one thing. That affair ended those rumors about him being gay. Oh, and his political career.
#3 – Ashley Dupre
Now, I’m not sure if you can really refer to a prostitute as a “girlfriend,” but I just couldn’t make this list without Elliot Spitzer’s dangerous-sex-for-money-girl, Ashley Dupre. Why go to a pro? I’m guessing Eliot liked to play certain games reserved strictly for professionals. Role play scenarios like “you be the embezzling Enron exec and I’ll be the minority shareholder who gets screwed over by your dirty dealings. Your dirty, dirty dealings. Inflate assets! Hide the debt! Golden parachute, mmmmmmmmmmmmm….”
#2 – Marilyn Monroe
How can the most famous woman in the world be a secret girlfriend? I’d tell you, but then I might ruin the good thing I have going with Queen Elizabeth. Much has been made about JFK’s alleged trysts with the blonde bombshell, but Marilyn’s greatest contribution to the study of secret girlfriends might be in establishing the high water mark for my theory: “The Ever Decreasing Slope of Presidential Tail.” As exhibited by this chart, applying my theory (with a sample group of two) we can predict, with no chance of error, that Barack Obama will reveal his secret girlfriend to be Paula Abdul some time in late 2010.
#1 – Maria Belen Chapur
I don’t speak Spanish, but I’m told “Belen Chapur” means “woman so hot she can make a mildly retarded South Carolina governor disappear.” For six days in 2009, Gov. Mark Sanford went “missing” while getting some face time with his Argentinean mistress. Like in Argentina, which surprisingly is not as discrete a location as you’d think. When Sanford returned, he confessed in an overly sentimental news conference and was greeted with calls for his resignation. Still, Sanford’s fraudulent alibi for his whereabouts during those six days –“hiking the Appalachian trail”—will surely go down as one of the greatest euphemisms for nookie in the history of dirty secret sex politics.
Tags: Eliot Spitzer, James Buchanan, John Edwards, John Kennedy, Mark Sanford, Monica Lewinsky, Rielle Hunter