• Please Don't Panic, But We're All Gonna Die from the Swine Flu

    So, we've got some good news and some bad news about the Swine Flu, or the H1N1 flu, as people who are afraid of saying "Swine Flu" call it.

    The good news is that one day there will probably be some good news about it. The bad news is that we're all gonna die

    President Obama has declared a national emergency to deal with the "rapid increase in illness" from the H1N1 influenza virus.

    "The 2009 H1N1 pandemic continues to evolve. The rates of illness continue to rise rapidly within many communities across the nation, and the potential exists for the pandemic to overburden health care resources in some localities," Obama said in a statement.

    Politicians! Always sugar-coating everything.

    But, really, this is all much worse than it sounds. (Unless you're dead already, in which case it probably doesn't sound like anything.) Look, see! You might maybe one day get to have a vaccine hopefully

    Kathleen Sebelius, secretary of the Department of Health and Human Services, said the vaccine is coming off the production lines slower than the administration would like, but that there will eventually be enough vaccine for everyone.

    Yeah, because once the first dozen or so million people have already succumbed to the virus and been placed in one of the neat piles of corpses that will be erected outside all our major cities, the demand for a vaccine should really taper off and reach a level closer to the actual amount of vaccine shots available.

    And then deciding who gets those will be a simple matter of fighting it out inside the Thunderdome.

    You didn't really think the government was ill-prepared for this, did you?

    Tags: Barack Obama, Health, Kathleen Sebelius, Obama Administration, Swine Flu


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