• Yes, America, There Will Be Levi Johnston's Penis

    Levi is gonna unfurl the full Johnston in Playgirl! It's a Christmas miracle!

    The father of Sarah Palin's grandson will go ahead with his much-hyped Playgirl shoot in mid-November "in order to get the pictures out for the holidays," a rep for the magazine told us. "We're working out the actual details day-by-day, and have come to a very happy conclusion, which we feel readers will be enthralled by."

    Johnston's manager, Tank Jones, has said he's "90 percent sure" the shoot, for which Johnson has pulled in a reported six figures, will include full-frontal nudity.

    Of course the spread is going to include Levi Johnston's penis. Of course! It had to happen like this. It was fated.

    Now, the circle can complete itself. John McCain will, at some point, be exposed to that issue of Playgirl. Maybe an aide will present him with it on the pretense of Senatorial business. Maybe his daughter Meghan will casually leave it lying around her apartment when he visits. Maybe his wife Cindy will use it as research material in her ongoing attempt to understand human emotion. Who knows? But, John McCain will see Levi Johnston's dick. Mark my words.

    And, as his eyes pass over the flaccidly dangling (this is Playgirl, remember) member of his former running mate's former almost-son-in-law, he'll be forced to consider what will no doubt be his greatest legacy, his most noteworthy contribution to this country that he loves.

    It was he who inflicted this family of circus freaks upon America. He will know that. In that moment — with Levi Johnston's penis in his eye — he will know that with a profound weight of regret shackled around his neck.

    America needs this moment to occur. America needs Levi Johnston's penis like we never needed any person's penis ever before.

    Tags: Christmas, John McCain, Levi Johnston, Meghan McCain, Sarah Palin


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