Everyone in America, please sit down. Find a spot on the couch. Or somewhere on the carpet if you need to. (Ohio, stop pushing Indiana. Arizona, get your finger out of your ear. Well, get it out of New Mexico's ear then. I'm not playing around. This is serious.)
I'm afraid that I have some very sad news. Levi Johnston's penis — the penis that we were all expecting to see shortly in Playgirl — has been sent to a farm where it can run around and play with all the other genitalia…
Playgirl spokesman Daniel Nardicio has released a statement blaming Levi's manager Tank Jones. "He did not give 'full-frontal' as his manager Tank Jones reported he would. We're thrilled with the photos we got, and are confident people will love them. Although there may be glimpses, we did not get full on frontal nudity."
I know, everyone in America. I know how desparing and confused you feel at a moment like this. I know that you feel like there will never be another morning. That the chilled night air will whip through your clothes and your soul forevermore.
But please, try to remind yourselves: There will be other penises. Joe the Plumber hasn't been in the spotlight for a few days now. He's due for "leaked" Fred Durst-style sex tape any time now. Any time now.
Tags: Levi Johnston, Sex