• Barack Obama Enjoins America to Hide Under a Bunch of Coats While the War in Afghanistan Sorts Itself Out Somehow

    Wow! Did you see Barack Obama's speech at West Point last night?* That sure was something, don't you think? First of all, he talked to the people of America as though they were millions of adults who are capable of processing serious information like adults. That was nice of him. But ill-advised.*

    Then he went on to give us some details that were absolutely amazing. Groundbreaking! Maybe the most important information ever given by a president ever!

    Okay, he didn't exactly give us the information. You kind of had to read between the lines, listen to what he wasn't saying, but it was there. Here, look and see if you can figure out the news

    President Obama announced Tuesday that he would speed 30,000 additional troops to Afghanistan in coming months, but he vowed to start bringing American forces home in the middle of 2011. He said that the United States could not afford an open-ended commitment and that it was time for Afghans to take more responsibility for their country.

    Saying he could "bring this war to a successful conclusion," Mr. Obama set out a strategy that would seek to reverse Taliban gains in large parts of Afghanistan, protect the Afghan people from attacks, provide time for Afghanistan to build its own military capacity and a more effective government and increase pressure on Al Qaeda in Pakistan.

    Did you catch it?

    Obviously, the United States military has, under its command, a battalion of genetically engineered werewolf soldiers! Or maybe some Dr. Manhattans. Or a couple ninja chupacabras. Because that's the only way to make sense of that ridiculous claim.

    I mean, seriously, why would Barack Obama go on television and stake all of his political capital promising the nation that, even though he's escalating troops in the Afghan jumblefuck by a third today, he's going to have it all worked out by the summer of 2011, unless he had a trained army of radioactive human-zebra hybrids or something at the ready to go kick ass at his command?

    Otherwise, we'd have to assume this was a kind silly thing to promise, don't you think?


    * Is he allowed to go to West Point? I would have thought they'd have a photo of him under the Do Not Admit list at the front gate. Hmmm, weird.

    ** Maybe that's how they do things in Communist Kenya, but we prefer our speeches to be a series of bumper sticker slogans mixed with the occasional spoonerism.

    Tags: Afghanistan, Barack Obama, Military


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