Written by guest blogger Steve Agee
Hey kids, it's that time of year again. Time for my first annual "Steve Agee's Top Ten Favorite Political Moments of the Decade"!
I know what you're thinking — "Dude, you play a gay stoner on TV. I didn't know you knew anything about politics." Well, guess what? I don't. I know NOTHING about politics. So when Comedy Central approached me about writing my ten favorite moments in politics for the decade, I said, "Which decade?" See, I was hoping for the 1960s because a lot of cool shit went down in the '60s, like Woodstock, the alleged "moon landing" and Pearl Harbor. Then Comedy Central told me that it was actually these past ten years. Bummer, dude.
Now, keep in mind these are my top ten FAVORITE moments. There are plenty of "important" moments in politics over the past ten year, but I wouldn't classify them as my favorites. To me "favorite" equals funny, cool or sexy. So let's get started. Oh yeah, one other thing. Most of my favorite moments happened in the second half of the decade, because I was smoking a lot of pot from 2000 to about 2006 and don't remember the first half… so keep that in mind. Here they are (in no particular order)
1. In October of 2000 George W. Bush becomes our President.
"Hey dude, that's neither funny NOR sexy!" Yeah, but it's kind of cool for one reason. It freed up Al Gore to make that movie, An Inconvenient Truth where Demi Moore screwed Robert Redford for a million bucks. Incidentally, that movie won some Oscars. Who's the winner now, George W.? Exactly… Robert Redford.
2. Dick Cheney shoots Harry Whittington IN THE FUCKING FACE!
This happened over two years ago, and I'm honestly shocked that it's still not the top story every night on the news! When I was 12, my neighbor, Blind Paul, accidentally shot his mother in the back with a BB gun. She actually called the cops and had him put in juvenile hall for a week… And she was his MOTHER… And Blind Paul WAS BLIND! What I'm saying is Cheney should have at least had to have spent a week in juvie.
3. In 2003 George W. Bush flew out to the Persian Gulf to let everyone know that, as far as the Iraq invasion goes, it was a big "MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!"
That was about six years ago, and I'm pretty sure that that mission is still not yet accomplished. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if one of the last things Bush said to Obama when he was leaving office was, "It's your mission now… YOU accomplish it!"
4. New York Governor, Eliot Spitzer is busted for patronizing a high-priced prostitution service in March of 2008.
This means one thing — Spitzer likes to have sex with women who won't let him kiss them on the mouth. Keep in mind, everything I know about prostitution I learned from the movie Pretty Woman.
5. While visiting Iraq in 2008, George W. Bush dodges a couple shoes that were thrown at his head.
That was the most low-budget assassination attempt since someone tried to kill Rutherford B. Hayes by chucking a pair of wool mittens at him (which also missed). Oh and FYI, if you can't hit an old white man with your shoes, then you don't deserve to own shoes, loser!
6. Opening day of the 2008 Republican National Convention it was reported that Sarah Palin's 17-year-old daughter was pregnant.
TAKE THAT REPUBLICANS! Holy crap, the only way that could have been any sweeter is if Barack Obama had been the father.
7. Somehow "teabagging" happened this year.
From a political standpoint, I still have no idea what "teabagging" means. I saw it mentioned a LOT on the news and never actually heard what they were talking about because the sound of the reporter's voices were completely muffled by the roars of my own laughter. As far as I can tell, these "teabaggers" were protesting something. I will assume they were protesting that there was a lack of mouths for them to dip their balls in.
8. Barack Obama becomes President.
This is a no brainer, and I knew that I had to write about it because I'm white, and everyone would think I'm a racist if I didn't say something about it. So this is me writing about our black President, OK? Can we move on? I think I've established the fact that I'm not racist, so get over it! Oh, and if that's not proof enough for you, how about the fact that I also own NWA's "Straight Outta Compton"?
9. June 11th, 2007. Republican Senator, Larry Craig was arrested in a men's room at Minneapolis Airport for lewd conduct.
He was tapping his foot against the man in the next stall's foot, which apparently in the underground airport swinger scene, is code for, "Bone me, please." Now, I'm the type of person who won't even use a public restroom for its intended purpose (snorting cocaine); so I can't even imagine using it to have sex… with a dude… an old dude.
Larry Craig, you insatiable old pervert, thank you for providing us with this story!
10. In 2003, action superstar Arnold Schwarzenegger was voted governor of California.
That was so long ago that I probably would have forgotten his acting career by now if it weren't for the fact that he's constantly reminding us about it every time he gives a speech. "It's time we said 'Hasta la vista, baby' to high taxes!" or "I'll be back… for another term as your Governor!" or my all time favorite, "It's not a tumor. It's a very bad forest fire that is raping California and must be stopped before every man, woman and child are nothing more than a faint memory. I mean, come on, like seriously… What the fuck?" Ok, so he didn't actually say that last one… or even the other two as far as I know, but it would have been pretty rad if he did.
Hey, we did it! Maybe at the end of the next decade I can talk about something I know even less about… like sports! Oh wait, there won't be a next time because of that whole 2012 end of the world thing. Oh well, it's been nice knowing you. See you in Hell!
Tags: Arnold Schwarzenegger, Barack Obama, Bristol Palin, California, Dick Cheney, Eliot Spitzer, George W. Bush, Iraq, Larry Craig, LGBT, New York, Sarah Palin, Tea Party