The John Edwards Musical Will Impregnate Your Mind with Zazz!

Hopefully, Ben Greenman's Fragments From "Edwards: The Musical will do for John Edwards what Andrew Lloyd Webber's Cats did for Mr. Mistoffelees. (Most people forget this, but his career was in the toilet before that musical, too.)

JOHN EDWARDS

I'm running for president,
The highest office in the land.
Look, I'm right there in the mirror,
Smoothing my hair down with my hand.

I am handsome. Yes, it's true.
And I am wealthy: that's true, too.
But superficial things like that,
Well, they're just not where I'm at.

You see, I care about the poor.
I often fret about their plight.
I adore the way I look
In this smoky barroom light.

(RIELLE HUNTER spots JOHN EDWARDS at the bar and approaches him.)

RIELLE HUNTER

Hi, I'm Lisa.
I mean Rielle.
Will you take me
To a hotel?

JOHN EDWARDS

Well, I never.
I'm shocked and dismayed.
My wife and children
Would feel betrayed.
Plus, there's a special circumstance:
My wife has cancer. It's advanced.

(JOHN EDWARDS's phone rings.)

JOHN EDWARDS

What? That's great.
The hand of fate
Has relaxed its stranglehold.
God's mercy should be extolled.

(JOHN EDWARDS hangs up his phone.)

JOHN EDWARDS

Oh, wait, now she's in remission.
I guess that means I have permission.

Read the whole thing on McSweeney's.

Tags: Elizabeth Edwards, John Edwards, Rielle Hunter, Sex