Here's a riddle. What's conceived in sin; takes nine months to complete; and makes for some sticky situations upon its unwelcomed arrival? That's right, a completely convoluted Indecision article that lists famous illegitimate political offspring while simultaneously promoting the season premiere of The Sarah Silverman Program, entitled "The Proof Is in the Penis." Oh, except Indecision didn't give me nine months to write this. More like five days. And I guess I didn't really conceive it in sin, although between you and me, my silk boxers do feel pretty sweet beneath my blogging pants.
Now before you go complaining about who I left off, keep in mind that I was looking not only for political progeny born to unmarried parents, but also people who — when organized in list form — would make you, the reader, want to tune in for Sarah Silverman's premiere episode, "The Proof Is in the Penis" this Thursday at 10:30pm / 9:30c. Did I accomplish this? Hey, who's wearing the blogging pants around here. Spoiler alert: Not me as of twenty seconds ago.
27. John Edwards' daughter Frances Quinn Hunter
When John Edwards burst on the National political scene in 2000, he was like nothing we'd ever seen. The guy just didn't lie like a politician. Unfortunately, he lied a lot like a trial lawyer. And in 2008, we learned that John Edwards could lie like other things too.
For example, like that guy your mom called your "uncle" when your dad was away on business trips. In any event, Edwards' affair with Rielle Hunter came to light in 2008, and while he admitted his wrongdoing, he was also adamant that Ms. Hunter's baby girl was not his. Turns out that was also a lie.
26. Sarah Palin's grandson Tripp Johnston
For all those couples out there trying to conceive or all those teens trying not to, please take note: There are three things that really gets sperm moving:
1) sufficient vitamin E
2) proper body temperature (such as a pair of silk boxers that allow for suitable thermal stasis
…and most importantly…
Why else would ultra conservative, family friendly, Republican Vice Presidential nominee Sarah Palin have a grandson born outside of Church-sanctioned wedded bliss? Nothing quickens a sperm's flagella more than irony. I mean, what else can explain it?
It can't be the moral majority's policy of depriving kids sex education while simultaneously encouraging celibacy pledges. Everyone knows that doesn't get you pregnant. It just promotes sodomy.
25. France's former President Francois Mitterrand's daughter Mazarine Marie Pingeot
Everything I know about the French tells me that in France, illegitimate children ain't no big thang. I mean, the French are so worldly and sexually mature that for them a sex scandal would be when a politician tips his whore only 10% instead of the customary 25%. But then again, everything I know about the French is based on the three-minute trailers to movies I'll never see. So, y'know.
Of course, with a name like Mazarine Pingeot, I'm not sure she actually exists. Sounds more like a mystical nanny who delivers croissants and cocoa to village orphans while riding door-to-door on her dragon Henrhi. Ah, Mazarine, the children still call your name…
24 – 22: Paraguay's President Fernando Lugo's three kids (and counting…)
Since coming to power last Spring, three separate women have emerged claiming to have had children fathered by President Fernando Lugo. (By the way, getting your "Fernando Lugo'd" will cost you extra in some of Latin America's finest brothels).
In any event, currently, Lugo is struggling to maintain his legitimacy amid all these allegations, but I think Paraguay should be more understanding considering that Lugo is new to politics. You can't hold your present leaders accountable for the sins of their former life.
After all, you have to remember that these kids were fathered back when Lugo was a Roman Catholic Bishop.
21: Strom Thurmond's daughter Essie Mae Washington-Williams
Further proof that sperm love irony.
Former South Carolina Senator Strom Thurmond, best known for supporting segregation (and allegedly starring as "the tall man" from the Phantasm movies) apparently had a daughter with his parents' black maid when he was 22. Given Thurmond's beliefs about race relations, you really have to give him credit for hitting the bull's eye from across the segregated room. (That is some deadly aim!)
Separate, but equally disturbing, even though he lived to 101, he never acknowledged her as his daughter. Then again, he never fully recanted his segregation stance either. And now that I think about it, maybe his political views were merely designed to avoid an awkward confrontation with his daughter in a public place.
20: Grover Cleveland's son Oscar Folsom Cleveland
Couple of things to know about Grover Cleveland: He is the only President to serve two non-consecutive terms; he shares my birthday; and, lastly, he may be the only man who's won the Presidency even though his illegitimate child came to light during the actual campaign.
In 1884, Republicans desperate to dirty up Cleveland's reputation as an honest reformer exposed that he was paying child support to Maria Crofts Halpin — a woman who claimed he fathered her child Oscar Folsom Cleveland.
Some believe that Cleveland took responsibility because he was the only one of several alleged fathers who was a bachelor. But that didn't stop detractors from chanting "Ma, Ma, where's my Pa?" throughout Cleveland's campaign. And when Cleveland was elected, his supporters answered that jeer with "Gone to the White House, Ha, Ha, Ha!" Get it? Yeah, before 1900, everyone was essentially a moron.
19 – 1: Most of South Africa's President Jacob Zuma's 19 children (sorta)
Y'know, many people say we Americans are too prudish about the personal lives of our leaders and maybe they're right. Maybe we could take a page from South Africa's President Jacob Zuma, his 19 children, and his three current wives.
Sure, polygamy is rare and frowned up in South Africa, but it's good to be King. Besides, who can argue with Zuma's logic…
"There are plenty of politicians who have mistresses and children that they hide so as to pretend they are monogamous. I prefer to be open. I love my wives and I am proud of my children."
Amen, Zuma. Amen. I mean, nothing's unseemly if you do it in broad daylight, right?
This is just clearly a case of a man with too much love to give — not some sort of oversexed sociopath who just does what he wants. After all, he was AQUITTED of those rape charges in 2006. And as he said during his completely impartial trial, he knew the alleged victim wanted sex because she was wearing a skirt.
Tags: Bristol Palin, Christianity, France, Grover Cleveland, John Edwards, Levi Johnston, Paraguay, Racism, Religion, Rielle Hunter, Sarah Palin, Scandalgate, Senate, Sex, South Africa, South Carolina, Strom Thurmond, Tripp Johnston-Palin