The other day my editor said something to me that made me think of some of the people born in other countries who later became U.S. Politicians. I think it was something like, "Hey, Gladstone, write me up a list of people born in other countries who are now U.S. politicians."
So I set to work without even asking why she made the request. And believe me that was no small task. After all, with the upcoming premiere of Ugly Americans –- a show about monsters who become American citizens — I could hardly concentrate on this article about legal aliens who became American politicians. Also, I've been very busy lately attending therapy for people who accidentally make highly insulting analogies without meaning to.
So without further ado…
It's no small thing to come from Iran — a country currently despised in the U.S. — and get yourself elected Mayor of Beverley Hills, but that's just what Jamshid Delshad did in 2007. How?
First, he told people he's from Persia and not Iran. That conjures images of flying carpets instead of unapproved nuclear weapons programs. Second, as a Persian Jew, Delshad didn't really have a lot in common with Iran's current Muslim-based government. But most importantly, Delshad, unofficially changed his name to "Jimmy." And as anyone will tell you, Americans love politicians named "Jimmy," and we would never elect someone with a name like Barack Hussein Obama.
On second thought, it was probably just the Persia thing.
Ugly Americans premieres on Wednesday, March 17 at 10:30 pm / 9:30 c after an all new South Park.
Did you know Michigan Gov. Jennifer Granholm wasn't born in America?
I know, she's got that down home, girl next door, homecoming queen thing down pat. She was also a Universal Studies tour guide and even a contestant on The Dating Game. But apparently that's all a filthy, well-calculated, web of deceit, because Granholm actually grew up in… Canada.
I know! Nevertheless, Granholm managed to learn English, wear Western-style clothes, and even surgically remove the multi-locational tentacles that Canadians are known for. And not to take anything away from her achievements, it is Michigan we're talking about. With that state's completely crippled economy, how many people still even live there?
Not to mention that she probably literally consumed and digested her political rivals with the Predator-styled mandibles Canadians are known for.
Despite her resemblance to a bald eagle, Madeleine Albright, (or "Maddie 'Boom Boom' A to the B" as no one has ever called her) was not born in America.
Yarp. She's full blown Czechoslovakian. Apparently, she's also Jewish, but that was unknown even to her. (When your family flees Nazi Europe they tend to keep these things on the down low.)
Albright's confirmation as the 64th U.S. Secretary of State, made her the highest-ranking woman in the history of the U.S. government, but she still wasn't eligible to be a U.S. Presidential successor. Also, they never invited her to the after party, but that's because despite being an expert on foreign relations, she's notoriously prudish during drinking games.
Founding father Alexander Hamilton was more than just the first United States Secretary of the Treasury. He was an economist, political philosopher, Federalist Papers author, Ten Dollar bill model, Thomas Jefferson hater, Aaron Burr duel loser and, yes, a child of the Caribbean.
Specifically, Hamilton was born in Charlestown, the capital of Nevis in the British West Indies. Why don't people talk about that more? It might pad out the dearth of interesting material in his bio.
I mean sure, he centralized our economy, but dude, he probably actually met Jack Sparrow.
Of everyone on this list, long-time Michigan Congressman Cornelius Hoekstra, might be the only politician here who didn't actually intend to come to America. He was born in Groningen, Netherlands, but emigrated to Holland, Michigan at age three. You can see the confusion, right? I mean, he probably thought it was a day trip. After all, he was three.
Anyway, stuck in Michigan, he decided to make the best of it, get a business degree and run for Congress. Despite being known for his conservative voting record, Hoekstra did oppose a Constitutional amendment prohibiting flag burning.
Of course, people from the Netherlands are in favor of burning all sorts of substances that aren't exactly legal here in the States.
This one is kind of a gimmee. Everybody knows that California's current Governor was not born in California, but did you know that he also wasn't born in our time? That's right Arnold Schwarzenegger was created in 2029 at Skynet labs as the ultimate killing machine. But how did he get here you ask?
While it's true that the technology of the future has not mastered time traveling with clothes, it does allow mechanical equipment (like Schwarzenegger's metal skeleton) to come back in time if surrounded by flesh. But why would Californians elect a mindless killing machine bent on the destruction of all humanity?
You're really not grasping how much everyone hated Gray Davis, are you?
Tags: Alexander Hamilton, Arnold Schwarzenegger, California, Jennifer Granholm, Madeleine Albright, Michigan, Obama Administration, Pete Hoekstra