Last night, a friend and I were discussing the yawnful revelation that a conservative anti-gay legislator has amazingly somehow turned out to be gay — as well as the just-then-breaking news that Vatican blah blah blah gay sex scandal blah blah blah staggeringly extreme hypocrisy blah blah blah — and my friend dismissively waved it all off, muttering something about "Haggard's Law."
Now, I'm not sure if my friend believes to have made up "Haggard's Law" or heard it someplace else, but I consulted The Oracle of the Internet, and it turns out it's been in existence kinda sorta since around the time the anti-gay conservative religious leader Ted Haggard was outed as the closeted meth-smoking hypocrite (and supposedly now straight advocate of praying away the gay) that he is.
It is, in the best way that I can state it…
Haggard's Law – The likelihood of a person harboring secret desires to engage in sexual and/or romantic activities with members of the same sex is directly proportional to the frequency and volume of said person's vocalized objections to homosexuality.
Now, I have no idea why I had never heard this phrase until last night, nor do I know why this isn't more popular than it currently is. But I think that needs to change. I think this needs to be as common in Internet parlance as "Poe's Law," "Godwin's Law" and
xkcd's4chan's "Rule 34."
From now on, every time somebody combs their hair and puts on a tie and makes himself look all nice so that he can go on television or stand in front of a congregation and loudly explain why one group of people do not deserve the same rights as everybody else because of their sexual orientation, the first thing that should go through all of our minds is "Haggard's Law."
And then we should dismissively wave it off and go get another beer.
Can we do this? Can we do this, please?
Update: Whoops. My mistake. I mistakenly attributed Rule 34 to xkcd, when I should have attributed it to 4chan. I am a terrible, terrible person. (Thanks, LK, manmanpotty and Randall Munroe. (I suppose I'll take your word on it, I guess.))
Update also: Thanks to jason and/or maxiplatypus for this: Haggard's Law has made it past the difficult academic review board, and is now included in Urban Dictionary.
Tags: California, Catholic Church, Haggard's Law, LGBT, Roy Ashburn, Scandalgate, Ted Haggard, Vatican