• J.D. Hayworth Takes Factual Reality Out Behind a Middle School and Gets It Pregnant

    Okay, so, a few days ago Republican senatorial primary candidate and former Arizona congressperson J.D. Hayworth made an amazingly excellent point about the ridiculousness gay marriage in Massachusetts

    "You see, the Massachusetts Supreme Court… defined marriage as simply, quote, 'the establishment of intimacy… I guess that would mean if you really had affection for your horse, I guess you could marry your horse."

    Hahahaha! Take that, gay horses! You can't beat the flawlessness of that logic (except for the small point that every aspect of Hayworth's argument, including the quotation that serves as its premise, is little more than the fevered imaginings of a half-broken mind)! Suck it, Equus!!

    Anyway, last night, Rachel Maddow got mad at how Hayworth was smart enough to invent a quotation that never existed before he invented it. So, she invited Hayworth to be a guest on her Lesbian News Hour, and he calmly explained to her that, though she may have a pile of facts in front of her, she is still wrong because just because

    Whoa! Watching Hayworth's brilliant rhetoric skills has changed my life! I'm never going to admit that I'm wrong ever, ever again! And it works for absolutely everything! Here, watch Hayworth put it into action…

    You: What you said about the president of the United States having been born in a Middle Eastern country called Muslimterroristan, I don't think it's true, sir.

    Hayworth: Well, that's fine. You and I can have a disagreement about that.

    You: Well, there either is such a place that exists in the world, or there isn't. It's empirical.

    Hayworth: Well, I appreciate the fact that we have a disagreement on that.

    Or…

    You: What you said about the sky being made out of floating Smurfs, I don't think it's true, sir.

    Hayworth: Well, that's fine. You and I can have a disagreement about that.

    You: Well, the either is a dome encircling the Earth made out of six-inch tall blue sentient beings, or there isn't. It's empirical.

    Hayworth: Well, I appreciate the fact that we have a disagreement on that.

    Or…

    You: What you said about strawberries being monkeys invented by booger sadness, I don't think it's true, sir.

    Hayworth: Well, that's fine. You and I can have a disagreement about that.

    You: Well, strawberries either are actually animals in the Primate Order that were conceived and created by the sense of loss experienced by dried snot, or they aren't. It's empirical.

    Hayworth: Well, I appreciate the fact that we have a disagreement on that.

    You see?! It works perfectly!


    Tags: Arizona, House of Representatives, JD Hayworth, LGBT, Marriage Equality, Massachusetts, Primaries, Republicans, Senate

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