Just wrote this. Hoping to get it up in the New York Fringe Festival this year…
The curtain rises on a tidy, spartan office in the Pentagon. ARMY SECRETARY JOHN MCHUGH — a former Republican congressperson and civilian leader of the U.S. Army — sits behind a desk with his hands folded across his chest. A visibly nervous GAY SOLDIER sits across from him trying to unsuccessfully to look casual.
Army Secretary John McHugh: Tell me, son. Are you gay?
Gay Soldier: No, sir.
Army Secretary John McHugh: Really?
Gay Soldier: Yes, sir! I mean, no, sir! I mean… I find breasts to be quite comely.
Army Secretary John McHugh: That doesn't sound very convincing.
Gay Soldier: It's true. I'd like nothing more than to make a sandwich out of breasts. With extra mayonnaise.
Army Secretary John McHugh:What?
Gay Soldier: I don't know. It sounded good in my head.
Army Secretary John McHugh: Now listen, son. I need you to tell me the truth. How am I supposed to get your feelings on the U.S. military's policy on homosexuality so that we can repeal this terrible Don't Ask, Don't Tell policy unless soldiers like you are open and honest with me about their sexual orientations?
Gay Soldier: But, but… You'll discharge me.
Gen. John McHugh: Nonsense! I have no intention of discharging you. "[I]t would be 'counterproductive' to 'take disciplinary action against someone who spoke with me openly and honestly.' "
Gay Soldier: Really?
Gen. John McHugh: Really.
Gay Soldier: Okay. I'm gay.
Gen. John McHugh: You're fired, fag.
I'm still working on it. Need to figure out a way to cram some frontal nudity and menstrual blood in, and it'll be ready to go.
Tags: DADT, LGBT, Military