Update: Brown is resigning and the British economy sinks into the Atlantic.
The British people has spoken! And they have said "Ummm…"
With no overall winner in the British General Election, negotiations as to which political parties will form the next British government have continued through the weekend. Nick Clegg of the Liberal Democrats has continued to be a pricktease to both Still-Hanging-on-as-Prime-Minister Gordon Brown of the Labour Party and Leader-of-the-Opposition-But-We-Got-More-Votes-than-Brown David Cameron of the Conservative Party.
Those are the official titles, by the way, Oh yes.
So as we are a government-less country, chimney sweeps have taken to the streets in a battle with boisterous soccer fans, rising around on red double decker buses, and brandishing their unset, un-whitened teeth, while Lily Allen, Sir Michael Cain, Paul McCartney, David Beckham and any other Brits you may have vaguely heard of try to keep order. Or something like that. Look, I can fight against stereotypes, but sometimes you’ve just got to go with them.
But the real battle isn’t amongst the politicians deciding who to get into bed with and just how much they are prepared to pay for a Legislation Passing Hand Shandy, but amongst the political pundits — you know, the people who know what’s really going on. Or at least say they do.
Right wing magazine The Spectator’s Fraser Nelson knows that the Lib Dems have agreed to vote for Conservative cost-cutting measures, in return for seats on the executive body, the Cabinet, chosen by a David Cameron prime minister, creating a Con-Lib Pact.
But a deal may need more than that. Gary Gibbon of Channel 4 News was told by a Conservative MP involved with the negotiations with the Liberal Democrats, "We feel the hand of history on our gonads, squeezing very hard."
Ian Kirby of the News of the World is informed that Gordon Brown will be resigning as Prime Minister with now-ex-ministers Ed Balls and David Milliband launching their Labour leadership bids.
Whereas Conservative commentator Iain Dale sees members of both Conservative and Lib Dem tearing up their membership cards if either party does a deal with the other. It's possible MPs may resign from their party, and start new ones. We have three main parties at the moment, when this is over, we could have several.
So we may emerge with a Liberal Democrat/Conservative joint government of sorts later today. Or maybe not. And whatever emerges will be a precariously balanced — imaging a government system made not out of the will of the masses but of porcelain knick knacks, stacked three miles high in a strong wind before some kind of tsunami/earthquake/asteroid-based disaster takes place nearby.
Basically, we'll probably have to have another election in a week or so.
Bring back dictatorships, they were so much easier to deal with. And cheaper too!
Rich Johnston lives in London, works in advertising, writes about comics and draws cartoons for the UK's leading political blog, Guido Fawkes. He'll vote for the first party that promises to legalise the smoking of squirrels for medicinal purposes.
Tags: Conservative Party (UK), David Cameron, Gordon Brown, Indecision Internationale, Labour Party (UK), Liberal Democrat Party (UK), Nick Clegg, United Kingdom