South Carolina's Casual Racism and Wanton Sex Comes Through in the Clutch to Save Jon from Helen Thomas

I remember one time back a few years ago, when my life wasn't going quite as well as it is now, I was unemployed, drinking a lot, unable to muster the energy to pull myself out of a spiral of self-destruction. And one day, there was a knock on my door. It was South Carolina. It put its arm around me and told me that the Jews have a controlling interest in all the circus animals and that I could look it up online if I didn't believe it. Then, after tell me I was blind if I couldn't see the implications, two of its Baptist preachers touched each other's taints. That was all I needed. I wrote up my resume that very day and two months later, I had a job as Dean of the local university (a job which I later lost after it was revealed that I still didn't have a college degree).

Anyway, I'll never forget that. And now South Carolina's back to lend another helping hand in our country's time of need…

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Tags: Andre Bauer, Barack Obama, Helen Thomas, India, Israel, Jewish, Jon Stewart, LGBT, Mark Sanford, Palestine, Primaries, Racism, Sex, South Carolina, Tea Party, The Daily Show, White House, Will Folks