• I Drink Your Lithium Shake

    So, this past weekend, we all woke up in a brand new world. One in which "vuvuzela" has gone from a collection of nonsense syllables to reigning supreme as the most popular/hated word on the Internet. One in which presidential contenders go onto national television to discuss the size of the mammary glands.

    And one in which the poorest, most-god-forsaken, hollowed-out bomb-crater of a country is suddenly the El Duraceldo, the fabled Lost Country of Lithium Mineral Deposits

    The United States has discovered nearly $1 trillion in untapped mineral deposits in Afghanistan, far beyond any previously known reserves and enough to fundamentally alter the Afghan economy and perhaps the Afghan war itself, according to senior American government officials.

    The previously unknown deposits — including huge veins of iron, copper, cobalt, gold and critical industrial metals like lithium — are so big and include so many minerals that are essential to modern industry that Afghanistan could eventually be transformed into one of the most important mining centers in the world, the United States officials believe.

    An internal Pentagon memo, for example, states that Afghanistan could become the "Saudi Arabia of lithium," a key raw material in the manufacture of batteries for laptops and BlackBerrys.

    Hmmmmm… I wonder if this in any way explains why the war in Afghanistan keeps going and going and going… (Yikes! So sorry, humanity! My bad.)

    Anyway, this is obviously fantastic news for all of the impoverished, dust-eating citizens of the war-riddled country. Now they'll finally be able to pull themselves out from beneath the heel of American imperialism and escape the oppressive stranglehold of the Taliban's brutal strain of Wahhabistic Islamic fundamentalism. It's really the best news they've gotten since the discovery that their country is rich in nutritious heroin deposits.

    Finally, some good news for those people! I wonder what color atomic limousine they'll buy first.


    Tags: Afghanistan, Environment, Islam, Money, Religion, Taliban

comments

About Us

Comedy Central's Indecision is the network's digital hub for news, politics and other jokes: we're here, we're everywhere. We're not affiliated with any television show. We're affiliated with ourselves.