• General Petraeus Collapses (Probably Due to Some Kind of Poison Dart Maybe) During Senate Hearing

    Apparently, General David Petraeus — commander of U.S. forces in Iraq and Afghanistan — fell ill and passed out in the middle of questioning during a Senate hearing this morning

    Petraeus was listening to Sen. John McCain (R-Ariz.) express concern about the direction of the U.S. war effort in Afghanistan when he appeared to faint. Aides immediately rushed to help him, and he was led out of the hearing room…

    Petraeus slumped in his chair as McCain was wrapping up questioning about whether the general supports President Obama's pledge to begin withdrawing U.S. troops from Afghanistan in July 2011.

    Moments earlier, after a long pause, Petraeus said, "That is the policy, and I support it."

    Nobody leaves the Senate hearing! Everyone's a suspect.

    You, Sen. McCain — a decorated war veteran yourself — were angry that the General was furthering the military efforts of a man who never served in uniform. You felt slighted that a fellow soldier would follow orders and advance the agenda of a young whippersnapper that you thought had no place in the Oval Office. Didn't you?!

    And you, Sen. Carl Levin — who was also in the Senate hearing even though the quoted clip I selected did not include your name — you're a liberal Democrat from Michigan, and, as such, you hated the fact that so many billions of dollars are being funneled into Obama's expanded war in Afghanistan. So many billions of dollars that could have gone into rebuilding the flaccid American automobile industry. You hated it so much that it drove you into a murderous rage. Isn't that right, Sen. Levin? I said, isn't that right?!

    And you, Professor Higby Pomegranate, you've despised the general since grade school when the two of you–

    About 25 minutes later, Petraeus came back into the hearing room and said he was prepared to resume testifying, but Levin overruled him and announced he was adjourning the hearing until Wednesday morning.

    A smiling Petraeus said he felt "a little lightheaded" and wryly assured the committee that "it wasn't Senator McCain's questions" that make him ill. "I just got dehydrated," he said.

    Well, then, um… Carry on.

    Tags: Afghanistan, David Petraeus, Health, John McCain, Military, Senate


About Us

Comedy Central's Indecision is the network's digital hub for news, politics and other jokes: we're here, we're everywhere. We're not affiliated with any television show. We're affiliated with ourselves.