Have you people heard that there's a World Cup going on? Seems like every time you turn around there's some kind of World Cup happening, doesn't it? Well, this one is for Soccer, or — as the rest of the world calls it — Non-American Football.
Naturally, as Americans, we here at the Indecision blog are super amped for this not-at-all-tedious tournament. And we'll help you get amped in equal parts by filling you in on all the important games that you should be paying attention to. But first, here's everything you need to know about Soccer…
* No player may touch the ball with his hands ever. Except for the goalie. And everybody else on the team under certain circumstances. The breaking of this rule is punishable by death.
* The less scoring that occurs in a game, the more exciting it is!
* The Ancient Greeks and Romans are known to have played many ball games, some of which involved the use of the feet. The Roman game harpastum is believed to have been adapted from a Greek team game known as "ἐπίσκυρος" (episkyros) or "φαινίνδα" (phaininda), which is mentioned by a Greek playwright, Antiphanes (388–311 BC) and later referred to by the Christian theologian Clement of Alexandria (c.150-c.215 AD).
* You totally do not want to accidentally forget to wear your cup when being forced by your parents to play soccer back in grade school. Because, ugh, that pain is profound and life altering.
Now that you know everything you need to know about soccer, here's a rundown of this weekend's biggest, most important games to watch for…
Friday, June 18
England v. Algeria
This is a big grudge match between two independent nations that were formally occupied by France; Algeria from 1830 to 1962, and England from 1066 to 1154. Both countries have seen their cultures greatly influenced for the time they spent under the drapeau tricolore, and both countries despise the French for it. Winner gets bragging rights to deepest pit of hatred.
Germany v. Serbia
Sausage fight! Both these countries boast delicious variations on the American hotdog; Germans have more than 10,000 variations, including the Bratwürste, the Knackwürste and the Bockwürste, while Serbians have their whatever-that-delicious-thing-is-that-the-Serbian-cart-down-the-street-from-me-is-selling. Obviously, the winner of this match will get to have a couple (dozen) of their meat tubes eaten by me.
Saturday, June 19
Cameroon v. Denmark
Both of these countries are named after planets that Luke Skywalker visits in the Star Wars saga, which was originally conceived by George Lucas as a sort of space western and ultimately ended up grossing more than $8 billion worldwide. One of the most popular characters from the series is R2-D2, a tine robot modeled after a trash can. So, it goes without saying, that this is one soccer game that you will not want to miss.
Sunday, June 20
Italy v. New Zealand
These two countries just have so much in common, sometimes it's hard to not confuse them, and that causes a lot of animosity between them. For example, both countries are located in Europe, obviously. Both countries fought valiantly against the Fascists during WWI and against the Nazis during WWII. I think that the keyboard player from Belle & Sebastian is from one of those two places. And, most importantly, they both are very fond of soccer, if you know what I mean. So, this game will definitely keep you on the edge of your seat.
Tags: Algeria, Denmark, Germany, Italy, New Zealand, Serbia, Soccer, Sports, United Kingdom