• Don't Worry, World! There's Still Plenty More Oil Left to Gush into Your Oceans

    Okay, nobody prefers their pelicans to be dipped in oil or their sea turtles to be burned alive at sea. That's pretty much a granted, and, if it ever came to a national vote, I'm sure that we'd come down strongly against murdering pelicans and sea turtles with at least 51 to 53 percent of the popular vote, depending upon how active a role Karl Rove decided to take.

    That said, the real tragedy of this whole BP environmental disaster of hyper-Biblical proportions thing is that we're loosing all that sweet, black poison crude, am I right? It's so painful to watch all that liquid money flowing out of that whole in the Earth and into the Gulf of Mexico where the wildlife just can't appreciate its worth. Aarrrghhh! It's so frustrating!

    It's gotta be almost empty by now, don't you think? With "anywhere from 73.5 million to 126 million gallons" gushing every day just out to get wasted on those ignorant birds and reptiles, there can't be much left, right? Wrong

    Appearing before a House subcommittee, [BP CEO] Tony Hayward estimated that the reservoir tapped by the out-of-control well holds at least 50 million barrels of oil. At 42 gallons per barrel, that's 2.1 billion gallons

    That means the reservoir likely holds 94 to 97 percent of its oil. At the current flow rate, it would take from two to nearly four years for all the oil to leak from the field if it can't be stopped.

    First of all, it's always a good idea to trust Tony Hayward says. That guy's never willfully deceived the entire world before, so he's pretty much aces in all our books.

    But second of all — and this is the biggest "of all" — Whew! What a relief! Now, I'm not generally a the reservoir is one-twentieth empty kind of guy, but this was really starting to get to me. I was afraid that my as-yet unborn children would never get to see this a disaster of this magnitude. As it turns out, I can relax for a couple years, and still make it in under the wire. Thanks, BP!

    Tags: Animals, BP, Energy & Oil, Environment, Gulf Coast, Tony Hayward


About Us

Comedy Central's Indecision is the network's digital hub for news, politics and other jokes: we're here, we're everywhere. We're not affiliated with any television show. We're affiliated with ourselves.