So, I'm sure by now, everyone's heard the big news about the U.S. team beating the Carthaginians One-to-Love in yesterday's match. Finally! It's nice to see the Americans dominate another country once in a while. And this should also knock that egomaniac Hannibal down a peg or two. (Doubt he'll be invading Washington D.C. mounted atop an armored pachyderm elephant anytime soon.)
So, what you're probably asking is: What are the big games that I should be paying attention to in the next few days, goddamnit?!?! Relax, dude. Relax. I got them right here…
Friday, June 25
Portugal v. Brazil
This is a very important match. Because the citizens of both countries speak Brazilian. You see — while most of Central and South America's indigenous peoples were pooling their efforts to colonize Spain in the 15th and 16th Century (which is why they still speak Mexican in Spain today) — Brazil acted on its own to colonize Portugal. Portugal has always kinda been kinda under Brazil's thumb ever since. So, tempers should run quente in this game.
Saturday, June 26
This marks the first day of the Knockout Stage of the competition, so expect to see a lot more punching.
United States v. Ghana
This is a big, big match! A lot of people are going to be paying attention to this one. Do you know why? If so, please email me at firstname.lastname@example.org and let me know, because quite frankly, I'm not particularly familiar with either team. But I'm very willing to learn!
Sunday, June 27
England v. Germany
This one is pretty much World War 2: Part 2, if you know what I mean. If Germany wins, then they get to reshape Europe in whatever way they see fit, along side whoever wins the the previous day's U.S./Ghana match and Monday's Netherlands/Slovakia (since Russia failed to qualify). And, if England wins, Germany has to continue with its ban on guitars and drums and must continue making music using only keytars and electrons.
Lastly, I'd like to respond to eagle-eyed reader Steve, who commented on last week's World Cup post…
"This is a big grudge match between two independent nations that were formally occupied by France; Algeria from 1830 to 1962, and England from 1066 to 1154. "
The French didn't "occupy" England, they successfully invaded and replaced the upper classes. They didn't suddenly leave in 1154, they just merged with the regular Anglo-Saxons over time. And the rivalry from the French doesn't stem from this invasion alone – we've been at war with them for centuries. I'm betting this article was written by an American who's simply read an article and totally failed to understand it.
Nice catch, Steve! You found the one non-truth in the entire very-seriously-written and thoroughly researched post. And thanks for pointing it out before someone had a chance to write comically-humorless response. There's a lot of real pedantic assholes out there, ya know? Best to you, buddy!
Tags: Algeria, Brazil, Germany, Ghana, New England, Portugal, Soccer, Sports