• You Know What They Say: Breaking Up (With the Leader of the Nation's Counter-Insurgency Efforts in Afghanistan) Is Hard to Do

    [Note from Dennis: Last week, I made a joke (not a joke) about how jealous I was that Indecision friend Sara Benincasa would be providing a weekly column to Wonkette. Well, whine and you shall receive, apparently. I'm happy to say that -- after some stiff negotiations with a lot of people in suits yelling at a lot of other people in suits and at least one man with a briefcase being reduced to tears -- Sara is going to be joining us at Indecision on a daily basis.]

    As you've probably heard, this week President Barack Obama found out that Gen. Stanley McChrystal — commander of U.S. troops in Afghanistan — was totally not as into their romance as he’d thought. This obviously came as a crushing blow to Obama’s feelings, because even when you know a relationship is kind of troubled, you still don’t want to admit it to yourself, right? But then your bitchy gay friend, the one who dated that poor girl in the band for so long and then ditched her to fellate that guy who helps make the costumes for the spring musical, tells everybody that your boyfriend has been talking shit about you and your friends to his bro-dawgs. At that point, you have to do something, or else everyone at school will think you’re not a good friend and that you’re totally just desperate to keep your man around.

    But then Stan was all, “Evs, you can’t dump me, I’m dumping you” and broke up with Barry in a note!!!!! But the note was actually kind of good, because Stan admitted that he’d been a total dick and that he didn’t deserve to be Barry’s rough-trade military-industrial boyfriend anymore.

    Obama was real classy about it afterwards, and then he immediately jumped into something new with Gen. David Petraeus, because he’s afraid to be alone.  Also, everybody says Petraeus is totally dreamy and probably a great lay

    "General Petraeus, 57, brings an extraordinary set of skills to his new job: a Boy Scout’s charm, penetrating intelligence and a ferocious will to succeed. At ease with the press and the public, and an adept negotiator, General Petraeus will probably distinguish himself from his predecessor with the political skills that carried him through the most difficult months of the counteroffensive in Iraq known as the surge.

    And that’s great and all, but doesn’t Obama need, you know, some time to heal from that messy breakup? You can’t really love someone else until you deeply know and love yourself. It would probably be better for everybody if Obama just made himself Generalissimo of Eternity and personally ran the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, plus Central Command, plus all the branches of the Armed Forces. By not doing this, he fails to fufill the promise of that will.i.am video.

    The precious Youth Vote is now lost, forever.


    Tags: Afghanistan, Barack Obama, David Petraeus, Military, Sara Benincasa, Stanley McChrystal

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