Lara Logan is a human vuvuzela.
Oh, don’t you remember Lara Logan, the South African-bred CBS News reporter/self-appointed U.S. Army spokesBarbie who got herself knocked the fuck up by some random married military contractor? And don’t you remember Michael Hastings, the Jann Wenner indentured servant who broke the story on Stanley McChrystal talking shit on Your American President? Turns out Lara totally thinks Michael is the worst for reporting stuff that reflects badly on the military. This is because she is a really and truly distinguished journalist and not just another mainstream media reporter in the tank for the military.
Lara got all pissy because Michael reported some stuff Stanley and his boyfriends said because, ewww, it made the military look bad. Part of her evidence for why her opinion is fact is that she has hung around them and they have not told her secrets, ever, which cannot possibly mean that this is because they regard her as some combination of a Bobblehead and blow-up doll. Lara Logan has never heard of chauvinistic military culture. Also, no one has told her that she is dumb.
Apparently, Lara Logan learned in advanced elementary J-school that journalists are only supposed to report stuff that people in power will think is awesome. This is how you make friends and also become a famous person on television news.
And she is correct, of course, because the only way to ethically participate in the American military as a journalist is to make super-besties with the military and, obviously, the civilians who work for the military. And then to have their children, out of your womb. That is how God intended love and journalism to work. Duhhhhhhhhhh.
What does Lara Logan’s personal life have to do with her opinion on Michael Hastings? Probably nothing, except that she’s spent the better part of the past few years ethically and journalistically fucking a dude who works for the very military she claims to be able to cover in a balanced fashion. This raises the question: Why did Michael Hastings not fuck General Stanley McChrystal? Let's hope that Lara Logan gets to the bottom of this, preferably in another very special 60 Minutes piece in which she blithely pimps military propaganda and has shiny hair. Then Andy Rooney can masturbate, live, on-camera. Imagine those eyebrows furrowed in lustful concentration. Now try to eat lunch. You’re welcome.
Video of Lara Logan screeding live for CNN's cameras after the jump.
Tags: 60 Minutes, Afghanistan, CNN, Lara Logan, Military, Stanley McChrystal