• Portland Police Re-Open the Case of Al Gore's Crazed Sex Poodle Penis

    Unfortunately for everyone who is unexcited about being forced to imagine the gelatinous girth of Al Gore roiling about atop an unwilling human person (and for everyone else, congratulations!), the Portland, Oregon police are re-opening the "crazed sex poodle" scandal that is currently about to start rocking the nation!

    Portland police said Wednesday that they will reopen and investigate a massage therapist's allegations that former Vice President Al Gore sexually assaulted her at a downtown hotel in October 2006…

    Records that police released last week revealed that Portland sex assault investigators took a detailed statement from Hagerty in January 2009 but never investigated it and closed the case, citing "insufficient evidence."

    Molly Hagerty — the allegedly aggrieved masseuse — is claiming that she has surveillance camera footage of an assault upon her personage by the former Vice President and a pair of her pants full of his DNA. (That, by the way, is the most unsavory use of the acronym "DNA" that you'll see for quite some time.)

    "Al Gore is a pervert and sexual predator. He’s not what people think he is — he's a sick man!"

    Don't know if this is true, but even if it is, should it really come as a shock to anyone? Isn't that just part of the green lifestyle he advocates? Spreading a bunch of seed around?


    Tags: Al Gore, National Enquirer, Oregon, Sex

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