• U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service Has Some Interesting Ideas About Fish and Wildlife

    Oh, hey, hi! Good morning! Have you experienced your daily BP oil spill-fueled rage? No? Well, take a gander at this fun bit of newly uncovered info

    "The federal agency charged with protecting endangered species like the brown pelican and the Kemp's ridley sea turtle [the Fish and Wildlife Service] signed off on the Minerals Management Service's conclusion that deepwater drilling for oil in the Gulf of Mexico posed no significant risk to wildlife, despite evidence that a spill of even moderate size could be disastrous, according to federal documents."

    Imagine you're a nursery school teacher getting certified for CPR and first aid. "Should we learn how to clear the airway?" you ask. "What about stabilizing the head? What about performing CPR on a small child or infant? What about restarting a stopped heart? "

    "Oh no," the instructor responds. "Those things totally won't be a problem, probably, maybe. Just don't worry about it."

    "Oh good!" you cheer. "Let's give jumbo gumballs to a bunch of babies and leave them alone for several hours!"

    That is more or less exactly how the Fish and Wildlife Service reacted when the Minerals Management Service said that deepwater drilling was totally cool, brodicus. Whatever happened to preparing for the worst and hoping for the best? Is that not the guiding principle behind disaster readiness plans?

    Maybe it would've helped if, at some point, a friendly individual had tactfully approached a senior official at Fish and Wildlife and gently said, "It occurred to me today that maybe, possibly, in this particular instance, wishful thinking isn't good enough for a FEDERAL FUCKING AGENCY IN CHARGE OF FUCKING PROTECTING THESE BEAUTIFUL, DEFENSELESS CREATURES FROM CHOKING TO DEATH ON OIL! You stupid, shortsighted ass-goblins. You let this happen–you, and the MMS, and BP, and all of us who are too complacent to lobby and protest for safer, cleaner energy because hey, SUVs are awesome! Fucking fuck YOU, and fucking fuck US, and fucking fuck the shit out of BP."


    Tags: Animals, BP, Energy & Oil, Gulf Coast


About Us

Comedy Central's Indecision is the network's digital hub for news, politics and other jokes: we're here, we're everywhere. We're not affiliated with any television show. We're affiliated with ourselves.