• Turns Out Gen. James Mattis, Soon-to-Be New Head of CENTCOM, Is Totally Badass!

    Attention citizens: I have revised my recently-vlogged opinion on General James Mattis (I refuse to revise anything I said about the Tea Party, which is a club for lamestains.) While it is still a bad idea to say that it is fun to shoot some people, because really such things should be duty rather than recreation, I give him a thumbs-up for the full context in which he stated his case

    "You go into Afghanistan, you got guys who slap around women for five years because they didn't wear a veil," General Mattis [President Obama’s choice to command American forces across the strategic crescent that encompasses Iraq and Afghanistan] said during a forum in San Diego in 2005. "You know guys like that ain't got no manhood left anyway, so it's a hell of a lot of fun to shoot them."

    Hold up. I think I'm kind of slightly in love. By not researching the full context in which General James Mattis made his remarks, I neglected to realize that he is actually completely awesome. Why? Let us parse his statement as if we are MFA students reading poetry or something gay like that.

    First, because he is dissing on jerkholes who physically abuse women. Second, because he is sort of affirming the right for ladies to wear what they want, or at least to not to have to wear what mean boys are trying to make them wear. Third, because he is implying that guys who knock women around are ass-faces who have no wieners.

    Here is another example of why General Mattis is awesome…

    "I dropped down into the hole, and there were two junior Marines," the lieutenant, Nathaniel C. Fick, recalled of that overnight operation outside Kandahar. "But the third was General Mattis. He has a star on his collar and could have been sleeping on a cot with a major waiting to make him coffee. But he's out there in the cold in the middle of the night, doing the same thing I'm doing as a first lieutenant — checking on his men."


    Also, and here is an unusual and great thing about General James Mattis: he has a library of over 6,000 volumes! WTF?! And he moves it all over the world so he can read stuff whenever he wants. This is completely excellent. Oh, I'm sorry. Did you need more evidence that General James Mattis is actually really cool?

    And he is a reader of history. He was once asked which American Indian warrior he most respected. His answer was a tribe-by-tribe, chief-by-chief exposition spanning the first Seminole war to the surrender of the Lakota.

    I would actually like to party with this guy.

    Tags: Afghanistan, James Mattis, Men and Women, Military


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