• Gulf Disaster Occured Due to Oil Rig's Non-Disaster-Having Alarm Being in Snooze Mode

    Haha, oh fun! A guy who worked on the Deepwater Horizon told a government panel that the mothereffing emergency alarm was not fully turned up because the oil rig workers didn't want to be WOKEN UP

    The worker, Mike Williams, chief electronics technician aboard the Transocean rig, said the general safety alarm was habitually set to "inhibited" to avoid waking up the crew with late-night sirens.

    "They did not want people woke up at 3 a.m. from false alarms," Mr. Williams told the federal panel of investigators in this New Orleans suburb. Consequently, the alarm did not sound during the emergency, leaving workers to relay information through the loudspeaker system.

    The government panel replied, "Are you FUCKING KIDDING US?! What the fucking FUCK kind of selfish douchey bullshit IS that?" Okay, they did not say that out loud, but they thought it, probably.

    On Friday, Mr. Williams added several new details about the equipment on the vessel, testifying that another Transocean official turned a critical system for removing dangerous gas from the drilling shack to "bypass mode." When he questioned that decision, Mr. Williams said, he was reprimanded.

    "No, the damn thing's been in bypass for five years," he recalled being told by Mark Hay, the subsea supervisor. "Why’d you even mess with it?"

    He recalled that Mr. Hay added: "The entire fleet runs them in 'bypass.' "

    At this point, the six-member panel spontaneously exploded into flames of rage. (Probably.)

    Ed Note: Sara Benincasa will be participating in a panel discussion on "Satire and Progressive Politics" — alongside Daily Show creator Lizz Winstead — at the Netroots Nation liberal hippyfest conference/drum circle in Las Vegas tomorrow afternoon. If you're planning on attending the conference, this should be a really good event.

    Tags: BP, Energy & Oil, Gulf Coast


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