The Onion: Newly Discovered Documents Shed Light on Nation's Creepy Founding Uncles

The Onion reports on a finding of no small historical significance…

Paintings and woodcuts found alongside the writings suggest the Founding Uncles could often be distinguished from their siblings by their adult acne and sparse, willowy mustaches. In a notable contrast to portraiture of the era, these men are generally depicted leering off into the distance with a disturbing grin.

"The more you read about them, the more you realize how strongly the legacy of these boorish icons still echoes today," Collier said. "Any American whose excessive alcohol consumption has ever put an embarrassing damper on a holiday party owes a debt of gratitude to Norm Hancock, the man who nearly derailed the first public reading of the Declaration of Independence by draining a flagon of apple brandy and getting into a prolonged screaming match with his common-law wife."

It should probably be noted, for the benefit of our colleagues in the right-wing of the Internet, that this is satire, and that satire is make-believe.

Tags: Alcohol, Declaration of Independence, Founding Fathers, The Onion