• The Onion: Smart, Qualified People Behind the Scenes Keeping America Safe: 'We Don't Exist'

    From The Onion

    "I know most Americans like to believe there are selfless, ultra-intelligent operatives like me out there watching over everything from an underground control room," said the Rhodes Scholar Navy SEAL national security official who for the past 10 years we have all mistakenly presumed to be an actual human being. "Unfortunately, though, I'm not employed by the U.S. government, I'm not working at all hours to foil terrorist plots, nor am I part of some secret network of sharp, capable agents, because no such network exists."

    "And again, neither do I," the imaginary man added.

    According to the utterly nonexistent super-geniuses who we've been telling ourselves are keeping our nation safe with their superior technology and lightning-fast decision-making abilities, there are currently no living people who resemble them at the Pentagon, CIA, FBI, DHS, TSA, or any other federal, state, or local law enforcement agency, and there never really have been at any point in American history.

    I feel so much more un-less make-believe pretend safe for not unknowing this.


    Tags: CIA, FBI, Homeland Security, Military, Pentagon, Terrorism, The Onion

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