• WikiLeaks Founder Says He's No Rapester

    Julian Assange may look like a James Bond villain, but he swears up and down he didn't touch any ladies in the bad way. In a video interview with some wacky Swedes, Assange strongly denies the claims of two Swedish women who reported that he sexually assaulted them…

    As I have said before, there was clearly a smear campaign, and who was behind this, we do not know. Now, whether that turns out to be a smear campaign done by a couple of people for personal motives or ideological motives, or that is larger and involves geopolitical concerns, or whether it is a mixture of all those, we do not know, as I said at the time, until we have clear proof I will not be making clear allegations. But we do have a lot of circumstantial, suggestive material — a great deal.

    Asked if he had anything to say about the two women who reported him to the police, Mr. Assange said…

    My cultural values are to protect people’s private lives and to never criticize women. I think that is correct and I will continue to do that in this case.

    Soooo… is that a nice way of saying, "I didn't rape those chicks, but we definitely consensually humped?" Or is it a nice way of saying, "Look, free speech heroes are ALLOWED to get hornaaaaay, amiright? Shit was hella consensual, bro!" It does seem more than a teensy weensy bit suspicious that these terrible accusations would just HAPPEN to arise after three of the world's biggest newspapers just HAPPENED to publish a story based on 90,000 pages of documents that just HAPPENED to be posted on Assange's website.

    Is that a conspiracy we smell… Or is it the scent of whatever weird hair product Assange uses to get that pale semi-but-not-quite blond hue? The world may never know.


    Tags: Crime, Julian Assange, Sex, Sweden, WikiLeaks

comments

About Us

Comedy Central's Indecision is the network's digital hub for news, politics and other jokes: we're here, we're everywhere. We're not affiliated with any television show. We're affiliated with ourselves.