• Ohio Teabaggers Deliver Their List of Very Important Issues to GOP Candidates

    Finally! We can all stop wondering what issues really matter to a bunch of Ohio teabaggers! Man, so much speculation. So much money on the line. But now that The Freedom Institute of Erie County has officially released its litmus test survey of questions that "will be put into [its] voter guide and allow [it] to rate, recommend, and endorse candidates," we can all take a breather.

    Obviously, there was the obligatory anti-choice, anti-Obamacare, anti-Fed, pro-gun rights sentiments. But mixed in with those were a few that — while not particularly surprising — were somewhat jarring to see stated so plainly. Such as…

    * The regulation of Carbon Dioxide in our atmosphere should be left to God and not government and I oppose all measures of Cap and Trade as well as the teaching of global warming theory in our schools.

    Yep. Educated people about global warming is an affront to Jehovah's authority as Supreme Carbon Dioxide Regulator. You know, because how's he supposed to do his job with a bunch of whiny liberals complaining about dead polar bears every two minutes. Best that people should just direct their energies elsewhere. Like pro wrestling.

    * Parental consent should be required for sex education that teaches more than direct abstinence.

    Again, education is the problem here. It's a well-known scientific fact that if people don't learn about something, it simply cannot happen. Children who are not taught about where a penis goes, will not figure it out on their own.

    Demonizing science and education is all well and good, but what about some genuine irrational hatred? What about the gays? Don't they deserve a little attention from all the closeted teabaggers [original definition applies here] of Ohio?

    * Marriage is defined as being between a man and a woman, any other type of Union is not marriage.

    * Children should not be placed into foster homes where the parents are homosexual, bisexual, or transgender.

    * I oppose the 'don't ask, don't tell' policy of the military and believe that all same sex partners should be banned from combat duty in the military because of the propensity to transmit blood-borne diseases in the theatre of battle.

    "The theatre of battle?" Really, Freedom Institute? That's the phrasing and spelling you're gonna go with for the anti-gay soldier issue? Hey, don't get me wrong, that's a rhetorical question. I'm not asking. I'm not asking anything.


    Tags: Abstinence, Climate Change, DADT, Education, Haggard's Law, LGBT, Marriage Equality, Ohio, Religion, Republicans, Science & Technology, Tea Party

comments

About Us

Comedy Central's Indecision is the network's digital hub for news, politics and other jokes: we're here, we're everywhere. We're not affiliated with any television show. We're affiliated with ourselves.