Eugene Mirman – Indecision GuestBlogger and Distinguished Gentleman – Is an Objective Outsider Centrist
People (and ghosts!) are always asking me where I fall on the political spectrum. I am in the middle. That’s what happens when you are very pro-gay marriage and in favor of health care for everyone (even very ugly people), but also LOVE the war in Afghanistan and hope it never ends. Plus, as a Russian immigrant, I am predisposed toward hating communism and admiring the American Dream.
How do I know that I’m a centrist and not a liberal elitist hell bent on taxing small businesses to pay for the unnecessary hat collections of illegal immigrants? Because on March 6th, 2010 my brother, Ilya, sent me an online survey that asks a series of questions and then shows you a picture of where you lie politically. And guess what? I fall in the direct middle of centrism (though weirdly my dick is actually quite statist). Here is a photo of the result, which could easily be faked, but happens to be real…
You can take the poll yourself and find out where you land. Are you a misguided 19-year-old Maoist trying to enslave America? Maybe. Or, are you some laissez-faire capitalist who misses the robber barons of the 1800s and wants to pour irradiated chemical run-off into children's faces? Find out in just a few minutes at this website.
I mostly tell you this so that on November 2nd, when I make fun of Carl Paladino in my liveblogging for Comedy Central, you'll know that I'm not doing it because I'm a close-minded Northeast socialite who is so PC he can't make a joke about how some, but not all, black men wear their pants very low. You'll know that I'm an objective, outsider centrist, like Kurt Loder or Joe Scarborough.
Months ago, even with the brewing anger of the Tea Party, I originally thought this midterm election would be boring. But for the first time in seven years, I was wrong. This election has become exciting, like happening upon an episode of Law and Order right at the 45-minute-twist mark! To many Republicans (74%) and at least one secret Muslim, this is the most important congressional election of their lives.
As I travel, anytime I turn on local news, it seems that countless Americans are so angry and terrified — because of what Glenn Beck told them through his weird chalkboard — that they are considering voting for the Incredible Hulk (if the Incredible Hulk mostly quoted Thomas Jefferson and constantly made confusing analogies between tea and civil liberties). And yes, Hulk will smash government spending, but also, he might accidentally step on abortion rights, environmental regulations and the Department of Education. Don't get me wrong, like many Americans, I believe in an individual's unalienable right to pursue happiness and become so rich you can transfer your soul into a sexy robot version of you (instead of going to heaven, which stands at least a 35% chance of not being a real place). But, the Tea-Party doesn’t just love freedom and tea (like you and me) — they have taken the things I hold sacred, muddled them and then yell them in groups on the news while holding ill-thought-out and poorly-constructed protest signs — as if they are mocking American ingenuity and workmanship — and that’s something I can’t support. Just like Jesus would probably be appalled at the atrocities committed throughout history in His name, I can't help but imagine Thomas Jefferson fucking one of his many slaves while shaking his head at the Tea Party.
Still, I do kind of hope one Tea-Party-Incredible-Hulk-Candidate gets elected, because it will be a lot of fun and probably The Tea Party’s destruction. What could be more beautiful to see than John McCain and one of his Jewish friends proposing some sort of bipartisan campaign reform, only to have Christine O'Donnell yell her misunderstanding of evolution at him on C-Span? I’d like to see that. So this election, Delaware, vote for the only candidate that is running ads on television explaining she isn’t a witch. Thanks!
See you guys back here with a video in a few weeks! Then see you on election night, when I will be liveblogging all night long.
Photo by Seth Olenick.
Tags: Carl Paladino, Christine O’Donnell, Cramming for Midterms, Eugene Mirman, Glenn Beck, House of Representatives, Joe Scarborough, John McCain, Liveblog, Midterms, Senate, Tea Party, Thomas Jefferson