• Justice Department Way Uptight About Smoking the Heady Dank Stuff

    Today in marijuana news, Attorney General Eric Holder says the federal government will enforce its anti-drug laws in California even if the state legalizes pot. Which begs the question: Hey man, you holdin'? Naw, naw, just kiddin' bro. Shiiiz, I wouldn't ask you on here right on this popular political satire blog, dawg. I'm friggin'… I'm freakin'… I'm not like some narc, yo. I just like the kind bud cuz it makes me feel niiiiice. You like to get niiiiiice? Dude, dude, dude, dude, for reals? Dude, you know I'm cool. Nah bro, just chill, it's like–

    Oh, ahem, erm… We wandered off-track for a moment there. Our apologies

    The Justice Department strongly opposes California's Proposition 19 and remains firmly committed to enforcing the federal Controlled Substances Act in all states, Holder wrote in a letter to former chiefs of the U.S. Drug Enforcement Administration. The Associated Press obtained a copy of the letter, dated Wednesday.

    "We will vigorously enforce the CSA against those individuals and organizations that possess, manufacture or distribute marijuana for recreational use, even if such activities are permitted under state law," Holder wrote.

    But isn't California just full of people who fake illness in order to get medical marijuana cards, anyway? We know like three guys who do that, seriously. They're very nice people who eat a lot of Twizzlers, which you can apparently buy at some of those medical marijuana dispensaries. They pay full price and all, and they don't commit any violent crimes whilst totally blazed. In fact, they don't really do anything when they're high, besides giggle.

    So, what crawled up Holder's ass and turned him into a big ol' square?

    The attorney general also said that legalizing recreational marijuana in California would be a "significant impediment" to the government's joint efforts with state and local law enforcement to target drug traffickers, who often distribute marijuana alongside cocaine and other drugs.

    He said the ballot measure's passage would "significantly undermine" efforts to keep California communities safe.

    Look, man, you live your life, we'll live ours, okay? It's like, fuggin', it's like, nobody we know likes to touch cocaine or heroin or any of that shit. Herb comes from the earth, and IF we smoked this sacred tree, it'd be part of our spiritual activities. Like, you know, watching Dancing with the Stars and eating raw cookie dough.

    Tags: California, Drugs, Eric Holder, Marijuana


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