• The Onion: My Opponent Knows Where Washington Is on a Map; I Don't, and I Never Will

    A message to you, the voter, from Ron Johnson, soon-to-be Senator from Wisconsin

    As your Republican nominee for U.S. Senate, I'm grateful to have this opportunity to reach out to the people of Wisconsin and draw some distinctions between myself — a D.C. outsider — and Russ Feingold. The incumbent is a classic tax-and-spend liberal who, if elected, will increase the deficit even further. But most importantly, Russ Feingold is a career politician who knows exactly where to find our nation's capital on a map.

    Me? I don't have the slightest idea. If somebody asked me right now where Washington, D.C. is, I would say north, but that's really just a shot in the dark. I am literally clueless.

    You see, Russ Feingold has been a senator for nearly 20 years. He knows the Beltway backwards and forwards. Heck, I bet he could even tell you which state Washington, D.C. is in. I, on the other hand, don't even know what the "D.C." stands for, and I never will. I'll die before I acquire that information, and that is my promise to you.

    Is D.C. where Mount Rushmore is? Beats me. Ask Russ Feingold.

    I'll bet Feingold even knows where the Senate meets to talk about Senate stuff. Insider dirt bag. Good thing we're getting rid of him.


    Tags: Russ Feingold, Senate, The Onion, Washington DC

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