Eugene Mirman's LiveBlog: Predictions!

8:59pm EST

I bet most people today don’t remember when Dan Rather had to hand paint a map of the US to show us which way a district voted.

8:47pm EST

I hope Michael Steele’s mustache runs for president in 2012.

8:21pm EST

I promise not to “slut-shame” anyone, except possibly Republican gubernatorial candidate Carl Paladino — whose dick is so “flippity-floppity” (who am I quoting?), that some orthodox rabbis aren’t sure where Carl would stand on this Provincetown Halloween party:

Also, I will now call the New York Governortorialajdfdisojfoas election. The winner is Andrew Cuomooo (that would have been a fun costume idea — a cow version of our future governor?)

8:03pm EST

The irony of the Delaware senate race is that Chris Coons is a warlock. That’s the secret of politics: do it, but never deny it.

7:48pm EST

Breaking news! John King is probably a different person from Anderson Cooper. Look!

7:46pm EST

If you turn on Law and Order: Special Victims Unit right now, not-surprisingly, tonight’s victim is the Democrats.

7:26pm EST

I would like to make one thing clear — I am not claiming these are my projected winners — I am claiming they have won. How? Well, mostly, I don’t mind being wrong. But I am not using the same complicated analysis that Wolf Blitzer and his clean-shaven friend are. I am using old-fashioned America “Super Guessing.” And “Super Guessing” is never wrong. Here are a few more predictions:

New Mexico — Ben Ray Lujan! Congrats! I’ve always said it takes three names to win, and Ben Ray Lujan proves it. Sorry, Tom Mullins. You ran a good campaign (probably).

Wisconsin — A surprise write-in winner! It’s Adrian Brody! (That’s not true, the winner is Ron Johnson).

Washington — Patty Murray! Ha ha! More of the same, suckers!

7:04pm EST

Hello fellow Americans (and sneaky, bored Canadians)!
It’s time to analyze the midterm election! As the night continues, you’ll quickly realize I don’t have a degree in political science, nor can I read, and my writing is often limited to 23 of the 26 letters of our wonderful alphabet.

Even though I do not have endless television monitors, researchers, mustacheod middle-aged colleagues, and green screened backdrop of the capitol — I do have one thing that Fox, MSNBC, CNN and the major networks don’t have — a gun bottle full of tequila.

So, with that bottle and the confidence to guesstimate, before polls have closed, I will call the following elections before any of my colleagues do:

Kentucky — Rand Paul wins!!!! Do more Department of Education! Yey! No school tomorrow!

California — Barbra Boxer!

Florida — Marco Rubio!

New York City Comptroller is… Harry Wilson!

Okay. I will be calling elections tonight either way before they happen, or so far after the fact that it will seem like I do not understand how time works.

Tags: Cramming for Midterms, Eugene Mirman, Liveblog