• FOX News Liveblog!

    10:42 EST I have decided to abandon my liveblog and watch "The Daily Show." I highly suggest you do the same.

    10:40 EST Alleged once and future Sikh Nikki Haley is now the Princess of South Carolina. May the streets run with she-crab soup, benne wafers, and hush puppies!

    10:30 EST Oh hey guys, Bristol got saved AGAIN on "Dancing With The Stars," even though she is not good at dancing. There really IS no glass ceiling.

    10:22 EST Sarah Palin and Geraldine Ferraro are on camera together "for the first time EVER." Boners across the nation, previously only at half-mast, are now fully engorged.

    10:12 EST When anyone on FOX says "race flip," I giggle a little bit. In a racist way.

    10:06 EST I wonder how Greta Van Susteren's old face feels when it sees her new face on TV. I bet it's spent the last several years drinking a lot of beer and doing a lot of thinking.

    10:05 EST I thought one of my coworkers was huffing, but really he was just breathing deeply. FOX News has begun to induce hallucinations, apparently.

    10:01 EST McCain beat the guy with the Jewish-sounding name. There's a fucking shock, in Arizona.

    9:55 EST I feel completely non-threatened by Juan Williams right now.

    9:50 EST I haven't watched FOX News for so long on purpose since…since…since ever. Since fucking ever. Full disclosure: I do like to booze with some of their classier employees on occasion. Fuller disclosure: I wish I were drunk right now.

    9:47 EST Well, this is basically going exactly the way everyone expected.

    9:27 EST "FOX News can make a few more House calls for you." TEE HEE! Who came up with that piece of branding genius? The answer is: not Megyn Kelly.

    9:22 EST Senator-elect Manchin has a full-on case of Clinton Rasp. When he said, "We never thought we would lose our dear Senator Byrd," weren't you kind of like, "Umm…but we totally did?"

    9:19 EST FOX projects that Republicans will take control of the House. This is unlike every statement FOX News has made since Obama was elected in 2008.

    9:17 EST Is it sexist to say that Megyn Kelly's voice does not match her face or the spelling of her first name? She sounds like she enjoys the occasional cigarette, or perhaps a nice glass of whiskey. Yet I will still argue that CNN's Wolf Blitzer is a far sexier beast than this much-adored M. Kelly.

    9:13 EST Sarah Palin says this is a shake-up and an earthquake. I say she is a genius and quite possibly a messianic figure. She is Kali, Mother-Destroyer. Who's with me?!

    9:10 EST Rand Paul just quoted Thomas Jefferson. Doesn't Paul know Jefferson had a taste for the hot cocoa? That's not gonna play well with the Tea Party faithful!

    9:09 EST "The system that protects capitalism." Because capitalism is really in danger of being mowed over by a system that gives a shit about human health and happiness.

    9:07 EST I just hope Rand Paul doesn't hang himself by his bedsheets ever.

    9:06 EST Rand Paul sounds like a game show host announcer man dude person.

    9:05 EST RAND'S ON! RAND'S ON! RAND'S ON! Do you think Ron is wicked pissed that his boy has fully stolen the spotlight and is totally a Big Winner?!

    8:58 EST SARAH'S ON! SARAH'S ON! SARAH'S ON!

    8:51 EST I've enjoyed saying "Brit Hume" out loud since the mid-90s, and I'm not going to stop enjoying it now. "Brit Hume." "Brit Hume." Brit Hume." Mmmm, tell me again what that name is? "Brit." "HUME."

    8:33 EST Megyn Kelly says FOX is predicting that Tom Perriello lost in Virginia. O'Bammerz campaigned for him last week, but even the charm of the Prince of Awesome (2007-08) was not enough to save young (middle-aged) Thomas.

    8:27 EST "And coming up: Charles Krauthammer, Newt Gingrich, and more from our panel." If you aren't masturbating right now, then you are unlike me in one extremely important way.

    8:17 EST OH SHIT! Who the fuck is playing guitar onstage for Rand Paul? Is it Jesus Christ himself, or the Aqua Buddha? Regardless, something non-funky is happening on that stage.

    8:16 EST They keep referring to Christine O'Donnell as having lost. I'm holding out hope. I don't care what any of these so-called "FOX talking heads" say.

    8:11 EST O'Reilly appears! FUCK YEAH! These other jerks love Papa Bear. He is their spiritual leader. He said of Alan Grayson, "I expect Arianna Huffington ta hire dis clown." Does he not know that the Huffington Post is essentially a mostly-unpaid Livejournal for boring people?

    8:01 EST FOX just "claimed" that Chris Coons is "defeating" Christine O'Donnell. THOSE MOTHERFUCKERS WILL SAY ANYTHING TO MAKE LITTLE GIRLS CRY. Christine will triumph, because she is the best candidate for the job of president of third grade.

    7:58 EST "There are more older, white people coming out to vote." Oh Juan Williams, you do it to me every time you open that sexxxay mouth.

    Hi all! Since Eugene is liveblogging CNN, I've decided to spend some time curled up with FOX News here at Comedy Central HQ. Fueled by saltwater taffy, soda, and pizza, I'll keep you up to date on all the most magical things that happen on FOX.


    Tags: Fox, Juan Williams, Karl Rove, Liveblog, Sara Benincasa

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