Anything can happen on live TV, and Jon and Stephen's Midterm Teapartyganza was no different. Who will ever forget Aasif Mandvi's nude report from Washington D.C.? Or John Oliver and Jason Jones repeatedly shouting "f**k the FCC" while suspended from that ceiling fan? Or Samantha Bee straight up murdering that dude?
None of that happened, of course, but what did happen were the following quotes about last night's Democratic mega-massacre. You should read them until your brain explodes from being amused.
"John Boehner will be the new Speaker of the House. It is the highest elected office ever to be reached by an Orange-American." – Olivia Munn
14 more quotes after the jump…
"As always, pre-election coverage there's a lot of predicting. This year's prognostications varied greatly, depending on whether the person predicting it was a Democrat or anybody else in the world other than a Democrat." – Jon Stewart on delusional Democrats' predictions of victory
"Today, Nancy Pelosi had her right hand removed and replaced with a gavel." – Aasif Mandvi on the Democrats' overconfidence
"Russ Feingold was defeated for having progressive values. In Louisiana, David Vitter has absolutely destroyed his challenger by going out with hookers." – Jon Stewart on America's priorities
"You must feel pretty stupid standing there looking like an idiot live on election night in front of the whole of America." – John Oliver on Jon Stewart
"If you look at history, the three presidents in recent times who have had midterm loss like this have been Truman, Eisenhower and Bill Clinton. All three of them got re-elected." – Michael Beschloss
"Tonight, we will be riding a gnarly GOP barrel all the way to tax cut beach!" – Stephen Colbert
"John Boehner will be the new speaker unless, out of habit, he blocks his own confirmation." – Stephen Colbert
"We are calling the West Virginia Senate race for Democrat Joe Manchin in a landslide. Now, technically, it's only 11 points, but given West Virginia's rich tradition of mining coal by blowing the tops off of mountains, pretty much everything that happens in that state is a landslide." – Stephen Colbert
"Welcome to where rumor undergoes a fact-change operation and becomes analysis." – Stephen Colbert on his new election center
"In Jackson County, WV, machines have actually changed votes, which would explain why candidate Error 404 Page Not Found is headed to the House of Representatives." – Stephen Colbert
"In the Kentucky Senate race, Rand Paul has been declared the victor. Rand Paul is a libertarian and a staunch opponent of regulation of any kind. So congratulations, Kentucky, your state bird is now a can of lead paint." – Stephen Colbert
"Alaska: The Nipples that Can Cut Glass State" – Stephen Colbert
"All we know for sure is that, if the past is any indication, one of these two men will be our nation's next first black president." – Stephen Colbert on the race for Barack Obama's old Senate seat
"Let the free market decide what entails living." – Stephen Colbert on Rand Paul's proposal to dismantle mining regulations that prevent thousands of deaths every year
The Daily Show airs Monday through Thursday from 11pm/10c.
Tags: Aasif Mandvi, Alaska, David Vitter, Jason Jones, Joe Manchin, John Boehner, John Oliver, Jon Stewart, Kentucky, Midterms, Nancy Grace, Olivia Munn, Rand Paul, Russ Feingold, Samantha Bee, Senate, Stephen Colbert, The Colbert Report, The Daily Show, West Virginia