Greetings, Jews! Looking for the perfect Hanukkah gift for the conservative relative you hate the least? Mosey on over to GOPStore.com, the official swag shop of the Republican National Committee! There are so very many terrible things to be had at this online place of commerce. Go on a spree here, and leave no Hebrew behind!
Your teabagging great-uncle will surely appreciate this red elephant tie, perfect for adding sex appeal to any synagogue budget committee meeting.
And don’t forget his gorgeous bride, your clinically-depressed great-aunt, the one who always smells like a mixture of Vick’s and primal rage. For her, a 1000-piece jigsaw puzzle depicting all our glorious Republican presidents playing pool with one another. This puzzle is like mah-jongg for people who think that Barack Obama was born in Indonesia!
Surely your marriage-sanctity-protecting older brother could use some old-skool swag from the GOP Attic portion of the shop, where you’ll find plenty of original 2001 celebratory buttons from the inauguration of President George Walker Bush! Relive the pre-9/11 glory days, when the only objects repurposed as flying missiles were the eggs hurled at this great leader’s motorcade.
Your nice cousin’s icy blond shiksa wife (they met in law school — he should’ve gone to Brandeis, but who can say no to Yale?) will undoubtedly revel in the chance to put this "Annoy A Liberal: Work Hard, Be Happy" bumper sticker on her Lexus SUV. You know, the one she uses to ferry twins Madison and Molly (oy, like they’ll even have a bat mitzvah) to and from Lil’ Daughters of the American Revolution meetings.
So enjoy all eight days of your fake Christmas, Jewish conservatives. L'chaim!
Tags: Conservatives, Hanukkah, Jewish, Religion, Republicans